I was talking to an ex boyfriend yesterday. We met 12 years ago. We made an attempt at a relationship twice during those years. They both failed miserable. We are great friends. Sometimes I get caught up in the good times we had. My mind wonders to how this could work out. It forgets he can be a major jerk at times. That uses my feelings as a punching bag. I don’t have those issue just being his friends. My expectation for a relationship is much higher.
Why do I keep going backwards. It could be I have nothing in the pipeline at the moment. I could be I am in limbo living with friends. Even thought I am ready to move home. I am glad I missed the hurricane. So far my family is all safe which is a blessing. I have a heavy heart for the folks in New Jersey. I liked every person I have met from NJ. One of my crushes in college was from there. I wish I could find out how he is doing. Damn there I go again. Stuck in the past. I need to move from the past into the great future of potential.
I was on Facebook last night. Trying to figure out how it works. Crazy right!! I have been on that website for years. I am the post pictures, look at pictures, read a little and get off type. I really have no idea how the website works and how I get all these random messages with crazy links attached. I guess I really don’t care. But I did spend an hour last night trying to figure it out. Waste of my time personally!!!
Working on staying in the present. That is my new challenge!!!
I went on a date yesterday. It wasn’t planned. We were talking I reminded him that we live close together. A plan came together to meet at Starbucks. I had to use my GPS of course. I had no idea where I was going. The Starbucks was closed. So technology being what it is. He got on his phone and found another Starbucks. Then we were off. Well we ended up at Applebees. He got some food, I a decaf coffee. I am working on losing this weight. A lot of conversation we are in the parking lot making out. OMG how old am I. Can I say I had fun. The making out moved to the car. Followed with more making out and more conversation.
We met around 8 pm. I didn’t get home until 12:45. I had a great time. I didn’t realize how bad I needed some male attention.
Now the bad news. All we can be, is friends. This man has a lot on his plate. I also have plans of my own. I have no intention with getting involved with a man who has no time for me. Been there got the tee-shirt. It was nice thought. I also don’t know how to back track from making out to friends. I am going to have to work that out some kind of way.
I told him we need to just be friends. He agreed but I am not sure he really agreed. The man can say yes then push the envelope when ever possible. I am not falling for that crap. Okay I am going to try not to fall for that crap. I am not emotionally there to be played with. So life goes on. We do have a date on Sunday. I got to get it together before then.
Yes this is what the bank said will be in a letter to me. They denied my short sale. I was more than pissed. It had to do with one of their reps told me to do. I won’t be making that mistake again. I will be submitting again in a few weeks.
Nothing ever goes smoothly in my life. I need to let this house go one way or another. I will be moving to Massachusetts. I can not afford this debt too. Keep me in your prayers. My realtor makes it sound like no big deal. Just resubmit and we will get it done. I am glad he has no worries. It calmed me down after he sent a calm it is no big deal email.
My mom told me not to stress either. Well does anyone know I am ready to start my baby plans. I guess god is telling me to slow the hell down. I am ready to go and get it done. Nothing I can do at this point but wait.
I haven’t done much today at all. I went to my meeting this morning. Went to Sam’s Club then Wal-Mart. Ok grocery shopping is done. I rented a movie from Red box which I didn’t like at all. I played my Sims game and watching Sheila E unsung on demand. The only reason I am watching this due to my obsession with Prince. Which she had a relationship with. I wanted to know more about that.
An old college friend called to tell me she is pregnant. She wasn’t planning to get pregnant. Also she knows nothing about my struggles or issues. She is not someone I really try to stay in touch with. It is a long story. You ever talked to someone who loves to brag. That is her stuff. I don’t believe she means any harm with it. I think she has self-esteem issues. I should have been very happy for her. What I was, was jealous.
I know my day will come. I want it yesterday.
I know when I have children I am not going to have them sitting in the house. We will do things and have activities. I am going to have to get over being an introvert.
Through my sickness and possible layoff a master plan emerged. For all of you who have been following my blog I have felt hopeless in my TTC journey. Finally a blink of light has opened up.
My upside down house I have always felt has been my biggest issue to my having a baby. Well I might have found a way to unload it. I should have listen when my cousin did this two years ago. I swear I have a hard head. She told me I should and if I had paid attention I would have been ahead of the game. I am going to start off with sorry cuz I will listen from now on.
A short sale might be my saving grace. I don’t know all the ends and outs. My neighbor and I will be meeting with another cousins friend who deals with real estate this weekend. Pray that this is the solution!! So the original plan was to rent my townhouse instead of waiting for a layoff. Then stay with some friends. Pay them rent money. Which they would appreciate being the are also held hostage by the economy.
I called my cousin friend/real estate person. He told me I would get a little over the mortgage to rent the place. I told him hell no it wouldn’t even cover his fee. I would be losing money. Then he mentioned a short sale. I was all ears. I am meeting him this weekend so he can go over any questions I have. He was out-of-town when I called.
I told my neighbor he is ready to jump on the bandwagon also. So we are both meeting him this weekend. The rest of the plan is to move in with a friend and save money. Also to send money home to do the needed work on my mother’s house. Yes at the end of this process I will be moving back to Massachusetts. My friends from home are happy. My friends from Georgia not so happy.
It is a hard choice but it must be made. The best part is my closest friend from home is a nurse. I forgot that because that is not what she does fulltime presently. She is a RN and she mentioned she could do my insemination for free at her house. I thought hot damn I hit pay dirt!!! I need to get of the modesty of her seeing the goods. Which she did see before when I was 13 showing me how to use a tampon. She is a hands on type of friends.
I know I need a doctor to sign off on the home deliver of sperm. Hopefully I can take care of that before I leave Georgia. Now this plan is months out but at least I feel like finally I can have what I want. Children!!!
I might do a few insemination before leaving Georgia. Not sure of the logistics. I know a lot is riding on this meeting this weekend. Pray for me!!! I really need it!!! Finally I have some hope!!
This is the first time in three days I could get up without running to the bathroom. I thought it was stomach issues. I called the 24hr nurse line and it is the flu. Oh joy the flu. I called my mother whining at five o’clock in the morning telling her I wish she was here taking care of me. I know a big baby. I don’t get sick often at all. This flu has taken me down. I haven’t been to work in three days. My work ethic makes me feel so bad for missing work.
The fact that I almost passed out walking my dog. Having night sweats to the point of taking all my clothes off and turning on the AC. Also running to the bathroom for days. I am finally feeling better. I finally gotten enough energy to take a shower. I got a friend of mine to bring me some stuff from the grocery store today. I hate asking people for anything. Yesterday I went to the grocery store looking like a homeless person. Wandering the grocery store with a fever to buy diet ginger ale, just makes the singleness sting harder. Thank god for friends. I did call her yesterday. She didn’t call back. Which is not unusual for us.
I will be at work tomorrow at least 80% of the woman I use to be. This morning I don’t think they would have gotten 20%.
I have talked to my family and now I am not scared by the possible lay off. They got my back which is great to hear. My father even offered for me to move into his two bedroom apartment with his crazy cat that likes to piss on the furniture. I appreciate the thought but my mothers three bedroom house would be my first stop. She is rooting for me to get laid off so I can come home. I know it is a blessing to have a backup to not suffering in Georgia.
The house would be an issue. I would have to rent it. I know I would hate being a landlord. I will suck it up and get a property management company.
We will see what happens with my employment. At least I have no fears. Since fear has been a big part of my life. It is a welcoming change to be fearless. There are pros and cons to living in Massachusetts. I don’t even have a winter coat. My mother told me that is the lest of my worries. She is right it really is.
From a prior blog I did have a friend school me on couples. I know I seem jealous of every relationship. Well being single so long brings that out of me. I do not know what is going on in these couples lives. Personally or financially. So anyone being laid off can be dramatic. Especially when two incomes are needed to run their family. So sometimes I need to realize the grass is not always greener. It just looks that way sometimes.
Today I am happy I feeling better!!!
I woke up this morning feeling ill. I have been feeling this way for a long time. Stomach issues have pledge me for a few months. I am a non doctor person. I do make it to a yearly physical. Any other aches and pains I feel It will get better eventually.
I am acting like I don’t pay high premiums for health insurance. I might as well use it. I pay enough for it. I don’t like the inconvenience of being sick. I called my doctor hoping to be seen today. Of course that didn’t happen. I got an appointment for tomorrow. I will be leaving work early to take care of myself. Something I should have done a few months ago. The nurse on the phone gave me a lecture about waiting to deal with this issue.
So I laid on the couch sick with my dog. He loves to snuggle on the couch.
My aunt called me this morning screaming the house is burning down and the phone went dead. My mind went crazy and I called her back. It was the house next to hers. She was outside praying the fire did not travel to her house. I finally caught my breath. Thank you god she is not homeless. Thank god she is alive. I thanked god for a lot in that moment.
On a brighter note something I wrote for the SMBC website was posted. I feel so important.
It deals with Money issues.
I hope to get a prescription and be well. Positive thinking!!
These four days off were very interesting. My neighbor townhouse was broken into. They kicked in the front door which scared the shit out of me. They also were so bold to do it at 6:30pm. It happened earlier in the week. Then I got a call on Friday night about a friend’s house being broken into. The alarm company called her and she called me. I have her key and alarm code. I waited a few minutes and went over there. The cop was actually driving away from her house. I stopped him and waited outside while he went through her house to make sure it was safe. She was out-of-town visiting her grandmother. She lives five minutes from my house. With the economy and Atlanta screwing us over our neighborhood has just gone to shit.
I live in a suburb of Atlanta Georgia. Atlanta decided to tear down all their low income housing and give the people they were displacing housing vouchers. Our county was one of the victims of these people. Also the county near the airport. So they just put the crap on us and we have to deal with these displaced people moving next door. Also the economy doesn’t help the situation. No jobs, no money, more crime.
The cop agreed with me about Atlanta (Futon County) screwing us over. Then he proceeded to tell me there is a rapist on the loose. Following women home from the grocery store. That really put fear in me. The cop left and I waited for my friend’s cousin to secure her back door that was kicked in. I started to think I have no one to help me in the middle of the night in a crisis.
The whole experience has just made me afraid. I didn’t sleep well that night at all. I went to Home Depot and order a security door for the front of my house. It should be here in ten days. I also decided I am getting a gun. I am going to find a gun safety class. I told a few people and they all want to join me in this class. In the U.S. we have the right to bear arms. If someone comes through my door they are going to have something waiting for them. I don’t have children so I don’t feel that bad about having a gun in the house. I was talking to my friend who lives in my subdivision about our crappy neighborhood. The truth of the matter is break ins are happening all over the place. There is really no place to go to avoid the possibility.
On a brighter note, I went out this weekend. I enjoyed sometime with my meetup group at a bar. I met this guy who I thought was really cute. He had two kids and is a single father. All of that made him more attractive. I pushed the issue to exchange numbers. We did talk that same night. I not getting the vibe he is into me other than friends, which is fine. I am not going to force it. He seems really into his children and not pressed for a relationship. Or he is not pressed to get to know me. One or the other which I am cool with either way. I desire a man who is into me. I am not going to beg for attention. At this point I am going to go with he isn’t interested. If I happen to get invited on a date I will be pleasantly surprised.
I did meet a new guy at a bar. He was working as a bartender that night. He invited me to hang out at his job. So I met him at work and we talked while it was slow. I stayed a few hours and went home. He is just looking for sex. Which was obvious with all the sexual questions. He had no questions concerning me or my character. I had no intention of talking to this man again. He did call later that night asking to come over. I told him no thanks. He then said he is pursuing me and the ball is in my court. I wanted to say you are pursuing what is in between my legs not me. I have no time for men that have that as there only focus.
My weekend has been interesting to say the least. I guess I don’t mind when my weekend is dull. Some of these things I would have been alright to not have experienced.
I have written before how the holidays are not my thing. My grandmother died when I was 18. After she was put in the grave I could careless about Holidays. I thought my interest would pick up when I have kids. I never given birth so the interests in holidays has stayed the same.
Usually a friend will look at my situation as pitiful and request my present at their house. I do appreciate all the invitations I received over the years. I have sat at many non family members Thanksgiving and Christmas table.
I don’t feel like going anywhere this year. I just want to enjoy my day off. I am trying to decided if I am going to head to Wal-Mart at 10pm to get that 100 dollar Wii. I wanted a Wii for a long time. The problem is will I lose interest in it. I will be so excited because it is a new toy and than six months later it hasn’t been touched.
Did I also mention I hate crowds. I have never been shopping on black Friday. I don’t like being around a bunch of people. It isn’t a phobia, more like an annoyance. The 100 buck Wii is also the base equipment. I would have to add to it with equipment and games. More and more this sounds like it isn’t going to happen. I don’t think I want it that much.
Wow that was quick I officially talked myself out of the Wii. I do play computer games. I am addicted to the Sims 3. Yes I play the Sims. I haven’t played in over a month. Due to my cousin had the game to and a we would do challenges against each other. When her game was destroyed by a computer virus I put it down.
You have to understand the sims is a virtual reality game. Which was really created for pre teens. I found out that computer hackers all over the world have created mods to make a very PG game, R or X- rated game. It is my own personal soap opera. Example: One of our challenges was to create a single guy and see how many kids he can produce across the town. This was not a challenge I created it. I found it on a Sims website. Where they showed a family tree with over 100 offspring.
I haven’t been motivated to sit in front of a computer and play a fictional life. I been feeling I need to pay more attending to my life. Not to say I won’t play my game again. I haven’t been in the mood recently.
Who knows maybe I will turn it on during the Thanksgiving break.