Holiday Blues

I been in Ga for 13 years. I never go home for the holidays for several reason. A little more than half of those years I spent Thanksgiving at a friend’s house. This year the plans fell through. I was more disappointed than usual. I usually don’t care if I do anything on the holidays. I am not the holiday type person. Every since my grandmother died when I was 18, I haven’t care much about it. I asked my friend is it because I am pregnant. She said yes it is because you are pregnant. I missed my mom and my family and wished I was going to my god mothers with my mother and aunt. I will be home next year.

This weekend I spent a lot of time in the bed. This might be TMI so you can skip if you like. I was having some burning in the lower area. I ended up at urgent care. I couldn’t take it and my OBGYN wouldn’t have an appointment until Monday. Come to find out I was dehydrated and my urine was making me burn. When the doctor told me that I looked at him like WTF, I never heard of that crap. Come to find out he was right. I took some cranberry pills and drank  a lot of water and it went away. Thank you Jesus, because that crap was no joke. Then I had this crazy two-day headache. Also for being dehydrated.

I was having a hard time lugging the water bottles up three flights of stairs. I do drink a lot of water at work. With the extended vacation that wasn’t happening. I went to Walmart and got a Britta water filter pitcher. I am peeing all the time, but up on the water intake. I had a long talk with an old friend. She is so excited for me to come home. I am looking forward to reconnecting and also finding new friends.

I tried on my work pants on Sunday. They still fit no maternity pants yet. Yeppie, I did a dance in the middle of the floor. The gap did have a sale and I got the 64.00 maternity tall pants I been eyeing for half off. I have to say that was a great day. I also had to return some Wal-Mart maternity shirts that were too tight. What I noticed was the material was very cheap. I been wearing sweaters I got from the thrift shop. My co-worker said I don’t look pregnant yet. I am almost four months in a couple of weeks. I am feeling better, but every time I say that out loud I start feeling bad.

Another friend wants to do my babies shower. I told her my other friends would help with the food. She said no it will be her present to me. I was shocked that she would go out of her way like that. It is nice to be liked and loved!!! She put a smile on my face that day. I still want her to share the expense. I am old-school. Have a few friends bring some food and call it a day. She was adamant she didn’t want help with the food. Someone could bring the cake. Another friend volunteered to do that. I told her it doesn’t have to be anything special a sheet cake would be fine. I heard another NO!! I can get you a baby shower cake. All these people extending their kindness. Tells me I need to appreciate the people in my life and realize I have real friends. They are priceless!!!

 

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Random Saturday Activities

I woke up about 10am. Staying up the night before until 3am doesn’t make me an early riser. I actually never been an early riser. I don’t know if it is totally my medicine or I love sleep. So I woke and looked in the mirror. My boobs looked bigger. I felt bloated. I just felt fat. I got my scale. Not my usually activity. I am in denial for longer periods of time. I was shocked, I am down 8 pounds. How the hell did that happen. I am feeling heavy as hell. Still no period so I am getting more and more excited. I am still not going to take a test for another week. The old me would have been at Walmart several times to confirm over and over again.

I got some breakfast and laid in the bed until noon. I was wondering if that guy was going to call me for that date. I really didn’t want to go. So I text him. No response, which was great for me. I wasn’t interested in meeting this guy. The more time had passed the less interested I was becoming. I took myself to the mall. I thought about buying clothes. I hate shopping. Especially when I am overweight. I went to the eyebrow place. They made them too thin. Once the hair is gone not much you could say. I also needed some shoes. I actually bought nothing and ended up at Chipotle, then I went to a two dollar movie. I saw The Man of Steel. It was okay, but I can see how people didn’t like the movie.

I haven’t been too many movies by myself. It was okay. Except for the germ infested children in the movie. I hate when people bring babies. I hope I never regret saying that. Now movies come out on video so quickly that you aren’t missing much. I hate hearing crying babies in the movies. I know when I have children I might think differently.

I know you can’t lose weight while pregnant. Is there any way you can eat healthy that when you give birth, you can lose an additional 40-50 pounds. I need to do some research. Things are coming together. Now I feel a man is so far down on my list. I would love companionship and someone to help me through this process. Now reality has kicked in and I am going to have to use my village. Thank god my cousin has moved back to GA. Granted she lives 45 minutes away. She already said she would drive up to help me when needed. Maybe she can come up every other week to do some grocery shopping. I am thinking ahead. I would pay for her gas. She is a struggling single mother. I have my old roommates. I am going to call in everyone. Also my goal is to be debt free one of these days. Not to owe to credit cards are loans unless it is for a house or a car. I know people go crazy with babies. I am going to try to buy 90% of my stuff used. I will accept all gifts. I know I will be living on credit for a while after giving birth. All I can do is plan, but you know god laughs when you do that. I am going to have to do what my father said and take it one day at a time. Father knows best!!!

I am back!!

I guess the question is where have i been. In my own world. My computer got electrocuted. Yes lightning knocked the power out of my home desktop. It is in the hospital and I hope they can fix her. I am not looking for another major expense. I miss her. I thank god I still have my bootleg laptop. The computer hospital won’t even get back to me until this Sunday. They already charged me 40 dollars just to look at it.

On the baby front I took my soy isoflavone this month. I realized I didn’t take enough last month. I bought the soy from the vitamins store. Thinking I can get more potent soy isoflavone. I was shocked there were so many pills in the bottle. When I read the back which I didn’t do last month. The percentage of soy was half of the Walmart pills. Reading is fundamental.

Today is my first day of insemination. My plan is to do it every other day until next week Wednesday. I will see if known donor acts right. Each month it is something with him. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this crap when I am not dating him. But I guess dealing with men in any manner can present problems.

On the man front I went on a date last night. I can barely believe it myself. Very handsome 6’4 Armenian guy.  Not sure we are a match. We had a language barrier. We also had a discussion of how he feels washing dishes is not men’s work. Other than that I think it went well. We will see if he acts me out again. If he does I will go. If not I will move on as usual. I haven’t told him anything about my baby project. I have no idea when I would tell someone anymore. On the first date is a big fat NO!!

Baby Project #40

testI was trying to make it to Sunday morning. My crazy person held up until Saturday evening. Still not first morning pee, but I had to test. I was at Walmart at 9pm buying more test.

Well the line was darker on Saturday night. Then I tested again at 5am Sunday morning. I didn’t mean to get up that early. My bladder forced me to. The line was even darker. I had to be very creative for the camera to show the second line. I am happy and nervous. This is what happened last time. I got the double line then it went away. Well I will be testing probably every other day for a while. Looking for that second line to get as dark at the test line. My friend said my known donor must have some super sperm. I am scared as hell!!! God is it possible?? Are you giving me all I desire??

Baby Project #19 Crazy is my name

First Pregnancy Test

 

I know my blood test is today. I still have the band-aid on. Last night I went crazy. I was pretty calm during the two week wait. Well that all fell apart last night. I had a first response in my house. I had this test for a long time, not sure why. I took it and got a faint double line. I would post it but I couldn’t get the picture to come out. Then I immediately went online. Found a site that stated any line is a positive. Or it could be to early or the test expired. I looked at the back of the box 2/2013. Now my face was hitting the floor. I put on some sweats and a tee shirt and was off to Walmart. It was 9pm and I didn’t care. I ended up buying four test. Clearly I didn’t do any research. One negative from EPT. Come to find out isn’t that sensitive. Another faint line First response.

 

Then the site mentioned taking them again on the first morning urine. I did and of course it wouldn’t be my life if anything was easy. The line was even fainter. I don’t even know if fainter is a word. But I am sure you understand what I am trying to say.

 

Then after some research I found out the dollar tree test is very sensitive.  I spent all this damn money and could have gotten a test for dollar. I was feeling very stupid at that point. Thought Dollar Tree was not open during my moment of craziness.

 

I went to take my blood test this morning. They said I will know in a day or two. Or they freaking mad. I will be dying in two days. I am barely making it now. So of course I went to Dollar Tree on my lunch break. I got three test, because one was just not enough.

 

I am going to take them when I get home. God please make this happen!!!

 

Christmas Vacation

I have been enjoying all my time off. I really haven’t done much but sleep. I did end up at the store a few times. I actually bought my roommates more than expected. I saw a few gifts in Walmart I felt they would really like. They were fairly cheap but I knew they would love it. I guess it is my way to get in the Christmas spirit. My family isn’t very big on Holiday‘s.

I am still waiting for this job to tell me something. I am ready to TTC. I am scared to death for many reasons. I am praying I am fertile and it all goes very quickly. I am scared to be pregnant. I guess I am scared of everything. In my fear I am beyond ready to start trying. I have a date tomorrow morning. A breakfast date. I will see if it happens. He hasn’t confirmed. He wanted to go to Waffle House. Which I agreed to at first. Now I had a change of heart. I am working towards my goal weight.

I actually have a new resolve to my weight loss journey. 2013 is going to be a great year. I decided I am going to make it exciting and get out of my comfort zone.

 

More with my Saturdays!

Logo for Sam's Club

I haven’t done much today at all. I went to my meeting this morning. Went to Sam’s Club then Wal-Mart. Ok grocery shopping is done. I rented a movie from Red box which I didn’t like at all. I played my Sims game and watching Sheila E unsung on demand. The only reason I am watching this due to my obsession with Prince. Which she had a relationship with. I wanted to know more about that.

An old college friend called to tell me she is pregnant. She wasn’t planning to get pregnant. Also she knows nothing about my struggles or issues. She is not someone I really try to stay in touch with. It is a long story. You ever talked to someone who loves to brag. That is her stuff. I don’t believe she means any harm with it. I think she has self-esteem issues. I should have been very happy for her. What I was, was jealous.

I know my day will come. I want it yesterday.

I know when I have children I am not going to have them sitting in the house. We will do things and have activities. I am going to have to get over being an introvert.