Is this real?

I feel like I am wearing a fat suit. I don’t know whose body this is. I know why I ate to gain all this weight. There was a lot of life I had a hard time facing.

I tried anti-depressants, that didn’t work for me. I gave three different ones a shot. The Wellbutrin worked but gave me hives for six weeks. I have had a lot of ups and down over the last 4 years of being a mother.

I love looking at that little face every day. I am still wanting to hear her voice. The silence can be defining. The speech device is going well. Still waiting for insurance approval to see if we can keep it.

Today she sat next to me and explored the vascularly. She is very into bugs exploring bugs and animals. I was imitating a rooster over an over again. I have no idea how to imitate some of the animals.  She gets a thrill out of pressing the button and looking to see what I would do.

I hope to make a commitment to weight loss after the new year. I know it is cliche to try and lose weight after the new year. I need a starting point.




Learning and Learning!!

I came home late. I was supposed to get the deep freezer today. That was rain checked which is fine with me I am tired. I hit the store looking for pork rinds. No luck at my grocery store. I did get more almonds.

I did so much better on my new lifestyle (diet) today then yesterday. I ran out of almonds at work. Had to take a walk to two corner stores to find them. Which is so not me. I am very determined with this thing. Also my co-worker had the bypass surgery and she is pretty much eating the same way.

I haven’t been excited about eating in years. I really been on point. I also don’t beat myself up. Which is something totally different. Work is uneventful, but I am not complaining. I like uneventful instead of stressful. So far so good. I have been there almost two months. I am feeling very blessed.

We finally got Ava on a schedule. Getting my mother to do something I need a 2/3 congressional vote. Once I told her you tell Ava to lay down and she will. That is all she needed to know. Now she eats lunch at 11:30pm and nap at noon. Then when I get home dinner, every other night a shower with washing hair on Sundays. Hang out for a little bit and she goes to bed at 8-8:30pm. It has worked for the past three days.

From what I am hearing afternoon nap is done with no push back. Going to bed for the night, I don’t have it that easy. She gives me that hell no look. I have to keep stressing it. Until I show her I am the boss and will get over her whining and fake crying. Eventually she gives up lays down and falls asleep.

Today things are good. I did play the power ball for 300 million. I am about to start a lottery team at the job. Clearly I can’t give up my gambling ways. #LIVINGTHEDREAM

Do I think I am Beautiful!!

The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.

Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.

Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.

I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.

So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.

I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!

Counterfit Ink!!

I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.

Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal.  Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.

Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.

My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.

I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.

Gaining to much Weight!!

I just left my OBGYN appointment. I have gained 12 pounds in these four months. Not good at all. I wanted to tell her my weight issues have been going on since childhood. 12 pound isn’t shit to what I can pack on. I feel so bad. I know I been making a lot of bad food choices. It was so easy to do. I restricted myself for years and went hog-wild. She told me what to eat, which was so amusing to me.  Not her telling me a diet. The diet was so close to when I was a size 8-10 and not my size 16. I need to stop the crap and get on board.

I asked my aunt who is presently lost 100+ pounds, what jump started her weight loss. My aunt and I have always fought the battle of weight. She is the one got me in my first 12 step program for food. Which I agreed to because she wouldn’t give me anymore money for weight watchers.

She said her son was waiting for a call that she died. I thought oh damn that is deep. She was crying when she told me this. I said I am sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry. She got herself together and started making a change in her life. She said you feel so much better when you eat right. She is right you really do. I remember those feelings. I don’t have them at this moment, but I do remember them.  I called my old roommate to come over. I am donating all my bad food to their house. I just can’t bring myself to throw food in the trash!! That is my grandmother in me about wasting food. My grandmother was also very overweight.

I need to do better for me and my child. I want to be the good me. Not the fat miserable me. So I need to make this change not just for the pregnancy but for my life.


Random Saturday Activities

I woke up about 10am. Staying up the night before until 3am doesn’t make me an early riser. I actually never been an early riser. I don’t know if it is totally my medicine or I love sleep. So I woke and looked in the mirror. My boobs looked bigger. I felt bloated. I just felt fat. I got my scale. Not my usually activity. I am in denial for longer periods of time. I was shocked, I am down 8 pounds. How the hell did that happen. I am feeling heavy as hell. Still no period so I am getting more and more excited. I am still not going to take a test for another week. The old me would have been at Walmart several times to confirm over and over again.

I got some breakfast and laid in the bed until noon. I was wondering if that guy was going to call me for that date. I really didn’t want to go. So I text him. No response, which was great for me. I wasn’t interested in meeting this guy. The more time had passed the less interested I was becoming. I took myself to the mall. I thought about buying clothes. I hate shopping. Especially when I am overweight. I went to the eyebrow place. They made them too thin. Once the hair is gone not much you could say. I also needed some shoes. I actually bought nothing and ended up at Chipotle, then I went to a two dollar movie. I saw The Man of Steel. It was okay, but I can see how people didn’t like the movie.

I haven’t been too many movies by myself. It was okay. Except for the germ infested children in the movie. I hate when people bring babies. I hope I never regret saying that. Now movies come out on video so quickly that you aren’t missing much. I hate hearing crying babies in the movies. I know when I have children I might think differently.

I know you can’t lose weight while pregnant. Is there any way you can eat healthy that when you give birth, you can lose an additional 40-50 pounds. I need to do some research. Things are coming together. Now I feel a man is so far down on my list. I would love companionship and someone to help me through this process. Now reality has kicked in and I am going to have to use my village. Thank god my cousin has moved back to GA. Granted she lives 45 minutes away. She already said she would drive up to help me when needed. Maybe she can come up every other week to do some grocery shopping. I am thinking ahead. I would pay for her gas. She is a struggling single mother. I have my old roommates. I am going to call in everyone. Also my goal is to be debt free one of these days. Not to owe to credit cards are loans unless it is for a house or a car. I know people go crazy with babies. I am going to try to buy 90% of my stuff used. I will accept all gifts. I know I will be living on credit for a while after giving birth. All I can do is plan, but you know god laughs when you do that. I am going to have to do what my father said and take it one day at a time. Father knows best!!!

17DPO and no aunt flo

I am excited and nervous. I finally took out the calendar and counted. I am having symptoms of aunt flow paying me a visit. But shit those can be pregnancy symptoms also. I haven’t taken a test. I want to delay my stress and be accepting of what comes my way. If my period come I will just try again. This could be the month. I never discount I could have a probably success. I just can’t take another positive to get another negative. Losing these pregnancy early are really hurting my feelings. I would rather not know I had a positive at all.

I didn’t do much this weekend. With my back being out I gained all the damn weight I lost less one pound. Lucky me!!!. So I started working on my diet again. So far so good. No cream in my coffee this morning. I weighted and measured my breakfast and lunch. I even weight out my salad dressing. Shit when is the last time I did that. Yeah when my ass was skinny. I have to say I been in a happy mood lately. A little negativity over the weekend, but all is well. I am working on me. I wrote down what I was going to eat today. I also wrote two things I need to complete today.

I am feeling cramps. I am so praying aunt flow skips me this month. Let me have this dammit. Here is to dealing with life on life’s terms.

Couch to 5k (Pray for me)!!!!!

51MOMrOIMDL._SY346_PJlook-inside-v2,TopRight,1,0_SH20_So while working on getting pregnant, I am getting my fat ass in gear. I started reading this book my mother sent me, The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person by  Judith S. Beck. I was pissed she sent me this book. Always judging me about my weight. Why does she think I have so many body image issues. I don’t blame her anymore, but I do think she F me up in that department.

Never the less I started reading the book six months after she sent it. I was a Christmas present.

So one of the first things to do was take some index cards and write the Advantages of losing weight. You are supposed to copy this card several times and place them where you will need them. I put it in my car. The vehicle that takes me to all these bad places to eat. My office computer, where the thoughts of food begin. Also the cream in my coffee foolishness. Next to my bed, to read morning and night. I have to say it has worked. Better than I expected. I have not had cream in my coffee in three days. I know cream, your thinking  what the hell is she talking about. I think I like cream more than I like coffee. So the empty calories of cream which I did calculate one day is crazy. I do actual like the taste of coffee. So no cream has not sent me over the edge. I do miss the cream, but the craving is going away slowly.

One of the other things she suggests or part of her solution is give your self positive praise. Example: I got coffee no cream good job. I past that buffet place I like so much doing great. It is kind of crazy to talk to myself in that manner, but hey what do I have to lose but 50 pounds. Sounds worth it to me.

50 pounds sounds like a lot to different people. Losing that weight is where I will be content. Regardless of what other think. I am actually sick of people telling me what my goal should be. For example: All you need to do is lose weight in your stomach. How the hell do I pick where I lose weight without paying a plastic surgeon.

So I started the couch to 5k. I downloaded the RunDouble App.Slide1

I used it yesterday and can I say my ass was kicked. Yes I tried and made it through the whole work out. Not gracefully at all, but made it. I am headed to the gym today to make a spectacle of myself for another day. I am proud of the accomplishment. I also came home and did a short Zumba class with my Zumba Rush game for my Xbox 360 Kinect.

I did chart my calories on So I am getting in there. I am a great starter. I am trying to work on being a person that does not start something and don’t finish. So if it takes awhile to get pregnant. Which I have accepted. I am going to work on the problem glaring in my face. This extra weight.

I am headed to New Jersey for a wedding this weekend. I am packing my workout clothes. I am sure the hotel has a treadmill. I will be continuing my workout and try to achieve a goal to the end.


Baby Project #42

Yes my crazy ass is still taking pregnancy test. This time I got the equate version of first response. I got a negative. I was horrified. The only thing keeping me is sane is I should have started my period two days ago. No Aunt flo in sight. I bought a new bra and my boobs thanked me so much today. Gaining weight sucks in a big way. No I am not talking about pregnancy weight. That is only going on three weeks.

Just the random eating to damn much and not exercising kind of weight.  I have to find a dress for a wedding. I hate shopping. I hate shopping even more when I am not happy with my weight. I need to find this dress soon. I have about a month and a half.

I am also ridiculously tired. I have been drinking decaf coffee. One cup of regular coffee a day. My body is hating me for it. I know caffeine is a drug. It is a drug I miss big time. I have no real complaints today. I am just praying and keeping hope alive that everything works out with this pregnancy!!!

It’s Official!!

I am not pregnant. The casual evening did not turn into an offspring.

My first round of disappointment.  I am not really upset. I think I would have been totally surprised if it had happened. The fact that I got my period early, I am not even sure I was ovulating at that time.

A friend asked me if I was going to try again with the ex. The answer is no. We tried that last year and with his job obligations it was to damn much to get him local when I needed him to be.

I have a lot of fear about this next step. I am about to commit a lot of resources for something that is not guaranteed to work.  I am going to through North West Cryo bank. There sperm is more reasonable them the other banks.  My clinic wants to do one sample two days apart. Which I agree with. I heard it has a better chance of success.

I started taking the DHEA today. I only had the 50 mg ones. I need to hit Walgreen’s today, and find the 25mg.  I was told to take 25mg three times a day. I don’t want to take any extra of this stuff. The side effects for me sucks.

My financial insecurities are kicking up again. I talked to the ex today. He felt bad it didn’t work. I think he would have been scared if it did. Then he tells me he believes his health insurance pays for fertility. I was thinking thanks for the insight. How in the hell does that help me!!!

Work has been going well. No complaints which is a great thing.

I am back on my scratch ticket kick. My friends think I am crazy. You never know what can happen. My chances are as good as anyone else.   Here is to winning some money!!!! Keeping hope alive!!!!!