TAKING YOUTUBE SERIOUSLY

I do like making youtube videos. I just received another payment from youtube for my hobby of doing videos.

I decided to take my hobby seriously. I am updating all the tag and thumbnails. I have been working on it for two days. I have this plugin that I pay for the premium version. Tubebuddy!!! I paid for the service and haven’t been using it to its full potential. We all know I have had a lot on my plate.

I have 330 video’s in total. It was telling me to respond to comments. I gave them a thumbs up. I didn’t see a point of responding to a message from four years ago. I have only been trying to do this as a side hustle this year.

Wish me luck. I am sure this is going to take me a long time to get it together. Progress, not perfection.

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Over 600 subscibers!!

I have over 600 subscribers on YOUTUBE. It isn’t the 100K I wish I had. To make it a source of income. It is a big difference from the 200 I had earlier this year. I have been working at it. Some work a lot have not. It is hard to find an audience. Sometimes I wish my personality with my friends would shine through to the camera.

I also have cheesy video editing. Which I actual like it cheesy. I like the appeal. I am an odd duck. I like odd things. Or at least people have always made me feel odd. When I tried to be like everyone else it never fit for me.

Any tips to grow my audience please leave in the comments. I am going to try and research more on the topic. As I always say time is at a premium and I just don’t have it.

I have many balls in the air. I don’t want any of them to drop. It seems like there is always another ball added. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I hear the words but my load is heavy as hell.

Things keep moving!!!

Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.

Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!

My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.

I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.

The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.

I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.

My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.

My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.

I have a Public YOUTUBE Channel!!

When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing.  I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.

I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.

Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.

Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.

I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.

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Random Post!!

I am still sick every day. It might let up on occasion, but stays pretty consistent. It doesn’t matter what I eat. I still feel exactly the same like I should be throwing up. I been listening to my prosperity YouTube video at night. Money in my life at this point would be great. All I see is more and more going out. I haven’t gotten over the fear yet. I think other people have an idea about how I am supposed to feel. My aunt said you should be happy. I am happy that I am pregnant. Doing it alone is not what I am happy about. Yes I am getting what I want. I wanted a baby and with god on my side hopefully everything will be perfect for that to happen. I still don’t feel out of the danger zone yet.

I am still sad that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband. I have a right to feel that way. I think people have a right to feel how ever they do. I don’t need to explain it or justify it. I know everyone is happy for me and have advise. I have to say a few things that have been said pretty much on a regular is annoying as hell. The first question is how are you doing? Then I mention I am sick all the time. The response is well that is pregnancy. My mother even laughs when she responds. Since she had such a horrible pregnancy with me. Shit I know it is pregnancy. So four different people asking me how I feel then the next thing is that is pregnancy.  How many times do you have to say it damn. I get it!!! I am sick you asked me how I felt. Why are you asking how I feel just to declare it is pregnancy. Unless you have some useful information or help please stop telling me the obvious. I know I am being a brat, but I am really sick every day all day. It is hard to get to and get through work.

I am not complaining I am glad my baby is letting me know they are there. It makes me feel better to have this sickness. It is very hard to get through the day. I am going to work on praying at night. I gotten out of that habit and need to bring it back. My spiritual life is lacking in a big way these days.

 

Good News!!

20131002_063806-1 (1)Clearly by the picture you can tell I failed waiting to go to the doctor’s office. I woke up went to the bathroom this morning. Then was doing my usual get ready. Every time I went into the bathroom, I saw all my test. Yes I had at least five test from prior testing addiction. I only used one of these clear blue easy. When I researched them they are not that sensitive. This when I was testing crazy early. So I pissed in a little Dixie cup. Put it in the urine. Then put it on the counter. I walked out the room to do something else. I couldn’t have been gone but a minute. When I came back I was in shock it was immediately pregnant. Prior months testing I have been looking at barely noticeable lines praying they would get darker. I also remember using this test before and it saying not pregnant. I got my phone took a picture and text it to all my supporters. I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I couldn’t help it, I was so excited. I am still nervous it is very early.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. Which only to confirm then make another appointment. Watch what you ask god for, it might actually happen. I felt in my bones I didn’t have some crazy fertility issues. I held to that belief. The only test that was important to me was the HSG. Once I knew my tubes were open I was good. When I spent all that money not to get pregnant a few things happened. The doctor said you have no problem ovulating. The second thing because I did so bad on that test that tells you if your eggs are old. I can’t think of it right now. I guess I blocked that bullshit out of my mind. When I did the insemination in the doctor’s office they expected me to have one egg with the medication. I had five, they were shocked. So I felt I could get pregnant. I needed a man. Basically because I couldn’t afford fertility treatments. Also she was only giving me three chances. Not that I could afford more. I felt that was crap.  Everything happens for a reason.

I was still doing the hypnotism on my own. I know it sounds crazy. I do believe the mind is more powerful than you think. I never created my own. I swear I think of things and don’t do shit. I found the hypnosis video on YouTube and would play it when I go to sleep.

.   I found several others and I would rotate them. The laws of attraction, prosperity (meaning money), Losing weight, not bingeing. It is funny all the things you can find on YouTube. I also thought it couldn’t hurt. They say don’t listen to them while driving a car. Also be relaxed and it is okay if you fall asleep your subconscious is getting the information. I know this isn’t for everyone. I feel like who knows. I believe the mind can make you do a lot of things. I came up with this in my therapist appointment. I asked her if she thought hypnosis works. We had a long discussion and I was off listening to one or these subjects at least three times a week. The money hasn’t come yet, but the binge has decreased and I lost eight pound and didn’t know how. I got a positive pregnancy test.  So shit something is going right. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. So I will keep listening to my YouTube hypnosis. No one else is in the bed with me that could possible get disturb by this. One of the great things about living alone. Keep the baby dust coming my way. I know I need to work on my fears. HERE IS TO NO MORE FEAR!!!

Baby Project #33

Donor picked FINALLY!!!.  I am glad I have a few people in my corner to discuss these things.

My cousin was very blunt about not using the donor who wants to be a father. It is easy to say what you will do when the child is not here yet. He could totally flip the script once everything is sad and done. Then I am stuck in a drama situation. That is not the move for me.

I don’t even have to keep in touch with the other guy after I am pregnant.  He is just helping me out and that is it.

I am sure my mind can change as much as it needs to. Right now I have the donor picked. I am optimistic. More optimistic than doing my IUI‘s. I know this could possibly not work. I feel it has a great chance of working.  Even more than the 10% chance the doctor gave me  with frozen sperm.

The first attempt will be this month. I am working on getting the clomid. Who knows I am taking the soy isoflavone this month.

Thank you to all lesbian on YouTube. When I looked up insemination it was a lot of lesbian couples on YouTube discussing it. Many did insemination with a known donor.  I appreciate anyone who has walked in my shoes before. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

 

How this started!!

I was talking to my mom years ago. I am so bad with dates and they all seem to run into each other. Lets just say years ago. She told me about the movie and book The Secret. She saw it on Oprah  She was really into. I totally brushed it off. I am not a big fan of Oprah. Long story.

Years past and I meet this guy online  We had a great date. I wasn’t attracted to him and wanted to be friends. I really thought that wasn’t going to happen because it sounded like rejection. To my surprise he agreed. He told me I had a lot of positive energy. I thought this man was totally nuts. Then he brought up the movie The Secret.

He told me that book was the tip of the iceberg. There was a lot more to learn. I had the energy to make great things happen. He invited me over to his house. We were now friends and he seemed cool.

He gave me a book. I was shocked, he met me once and ordered a book for me. 51cX2MApMFL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU01_I started reading it. Actually studying it. He told me not to read it like a novel. So I was reading it with my notebook and pen. I was intrigued. I also realized how many negative thoughts go through my head in a day. I was astounded on how negative I really was. I decided to work on it. If I thought of something negative I would counter it with a positive thought. I was getting pretty good. Also me and the guy would talk and he began to guide me. Things seemed to flow in my life. It seemed to happen all of a sudden. I couldn’t believe circumstance after circumstance just worked my way.

The guy and I fell out of contact. I felt he was getting to intense for me. Now thinking back it was me not him. I didn’t want to do the work anymore. I regret letting that relationship go. When he gave me the book, that week I went to a neighbor’s house.

My cable had went out and I wanted to borrow some movies. I was going through all his movies and THE SECRET was in his collection. I was in shocked. I asked him why he has the movie. He said it was for his mom. I immediately borrowed it, thinking this was not a coincidence this was meant for me to see.download

Reading the book first and then watching The Secret I could see what this guy was saying. The movie gives you an overview. The book actually lays it out for you.

Of course even after all the good things were happening, I got lazy and totally fell off.  Why do I let go of things that totally bring me good. I have no answer!!

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Then I was talking to a friend and she mentioned a book a friend gave to her.

It was similar principles that was in the book about the laws of attraction I read years before. It also came with a CD so I didn’t have to read it. I could just listen. How great wast that. It feed right into my laziness. I started listening to the CD as soon as it came from Amazon. I was so into it I got a lot of people on board. My mother my aunt, cousin, and anyone else who would listen to my new crazy obsession.

Of course again I fell off. The funny thing is my mother did not. She will quote things to me from the book.

Now the Hypnotherapist and I had an intense conversation about my working with the law. She told me to pick it back up. She gave me a CD that she produced for her clients to listen to for stress reduction.

Me being me, I had to find more. I found several Hypnosis video’s on YouTube  This one is my favorite. .

Okay to show how even more of a freak I am. I thought what could be more convincing then my own voice. I started making my own hypnosis video. I know I am in the special people club.

So hopefully that answers my readers questions. Thank you for the question by the way.  I think all this was worth a blog!!

Baby Project #24

My depression came to a head on Sunday. I slept all day. I didn’t get out of bed until 3pm. I decided at 3pm I am not going to do this anymore. I go up, cleaned the house and left to get a cup of coffee. I didn’t really need the coffee. I needed to get out of the house.

I couldn’t sleep last night. Which wasn’t a shocker since I slept all damn day. I started watching YouTube. Looking into other people lives. A commercial for a new series Blue came up. A friend told me about it last week. When I saw the commercial, I thought why not. I got addicted very quickly and was up to 1am watching what happens next.

It was a great distraction,  Granted I really should have been sleeping. I am suffering for it now. I want to fall asleep on my desk. I don’t feel as bad as yesterday. I want to be optimistic. Wants and desire or not always reality. Sometimes when I talk to people I know what they are said in valid. I just don’t have the mental tools to make it happen. I wish I could stop feeling this way. I wish I could accept whatever comes down the road.

I want this so badly and I trying to prepare myself if it doesn’t happen. I don’t have an infinite amount of money to keep this going. I am not going to put myself in debt that I can’t pay back. Life isn’t easy and not always fair. I hate that I usually have to learn things the hard way!!!

Doing better!!

I am going to work on more regular entries into my blog. Work has been hectic with my new position. Hell with my old position which was filling in for the lack of head count is now my new position. Pretty much I been stressed for a while.

I am going to either post during my lunch break. Or when I get home. First it is therapeutic   I also love having a log  of my life.

I did start vloging my SMC journey on my YouTube channel.  I have to say I was unsure about doing that. I still am but I want to share my experience. I guess I am going to go with it until it presents a problem.

I picked up Caffeine again. I know it hinders pregnancy and I need to put it down again. It sucks because I love Caffeine.

Yesterday I sent in a lot of paper work to the women’s center I will be going to for my insemination  This is becoming more and more real. I am excited and totally scared out of my mind in the same breath.

I haven’t closed down my personal ads online yet. I have such a love hate relationship with online dating. I hate that it has not yielded me the man of my dreams. I do love the attention that I do not have in any other aspect of my life. I hate to talk to the idiots that tend to like me online. I do get a little excited when I get an new email expressing interest in me.

Yeah after writing that I realize I am a special case of crazy with online dating.

My roommate situation is lovely and hard at the same time  I think the people I live with are great. They have been nothing but gracious to me. Sometimes I miss living alone and being by myself. I really need to get over this. I don’t think I will be living alone for a very long time to come.

I did meet a new guy online last night. People think I am crazy for being totally honest. I let them know I am looking for an activity partner. I would love a relationship but I have plans to inseminate and if that bothers you let me know now. Shit dating hasn’t gotten me any closer to marriage in all these years. Why lie now??

Well this guy thought it was great and had no problem with it. We will see how long this last. He also asked me a sexual question. Such a red flag to me. I told him I am not answering any sexual question until after we meet. I swear why do so many men lead with what is between their legs.  He could be the greatest guy in the world. The computer meeting gives him the security to ask all kinds of perv questions he probably would never ask in person. I swear I am back to love and hate the net.