Wanted by the wrong guy

I was so excited to run into a guy I went to high school with. He was still handsome. Still a little corny but I find that attractive these days. No high school influence or peer pressure. The chance meeting made me feel like I found a winning lottery ticket.

I didn’t even consider that my life doesn’t work out in such a positive manner. I was starry-eyed and dreaming of the future. Well eventually after a few dates he was honest with me. He has a depression issue. I don’t want to go through the details, that is his business. I know it is extensive and I can’t add that to my plate.

My hope of a possible relationship was dashed. He tried to convince me that it wouldn’t be an issue. I wasn’t going for it. I am not desperate or in need of any more bullshit in my life.

Dating is not looking optimistic these days. I don’t have a babysitter. My mom watches Ava a lot, and she can be a handful after a few hours. If I didn’t live at home, I feel she would watch her more. Ava is always in her orbit, so there is no time she really misses her. My father would babysit, but he doesn’t live close. He has offered for her to spend the night, but with all her medications that might not be a good idea.

Another autism mom said she had a guy she wanted to introduce me to. She has mentioned it twice. I am not going to push. If she is going to do it, I am not opposed to it. My life consists of my job and my baby. I do miss my ex. Which I really shouldn’t since he strung me along for years.

I always felt that guy was my soulmate. I think I always have had a level of insecurities. When I was with him, I felt like a million bucks. I had a comfort level I never had with anyone else. Will I ever get that again??? I can only hope!

Bring Life Back

My life has been full of complications. Emotion and physical. Being an autism mommy has definitely taken its toll on me. Stress is a big factor in my well being. My blog has taken a backseat. My youtube channel is put on pause. Eating has taken control of my life. My fat clothes are getting too small. I started taking phentermine which my appetite is gone. I still continue to make bad food choices.

I know I sound awful, but I finally am feeling my feeling which is a blessing. I still haven’t totally excepted my life and the way it is headed. I am coming close to taking it a day at a time.

I saw the interview with the autistic basketball player at Kent State

stories like these give me so much hope. He didn’t walk until he was 4 and didn’t talk until he was 7. Stories like this give me so much faith for my child. I am waiting to hear the words mommy and learn what she is thinking about.

The struggle is real!!!

Life is not a dress rehearsal!

I decided to pull the trigger and self-publish my book. The grammar might not be perfect. There might be a few spelling mistakes. I pulled the trigger because Kim Porter died. P. Diddy baby mama. She was only 47. I kept thinking that is to close to my age. She didn’t wake up one day. What am I waiting for? So what if no one reads it. I don’t care, you never know what could come from it.

I can’t wait for my life to begin. I am taking risks from here on in. I also discussed phentormine with my daughter. I have been taking it for a week. My appetite has disappeared. I haven’t been making good food choices. I will begin the diet after Thanksgiving. My life is about to get exciting.

Autism stress!!

My child is nonverbal. There is no arguing with her, no debate. Yelling also doesn’t work. Well, a few days ago my child didn’t want to put her coat on. It was cold outside. I couldn’t let her win this battle.

The struggle is real, and she is strong. We damn near rolled around the floor to get this coat on. Then we went to a playdate, and we were out at a park. She tried to get naked several times. I had to change a shitty diaper in the car. I can’t wait until she is entirely potty trained. It will be heaven on earth.

She took off her shoes and wouldn’t put them back on. I tried to get those shoes one. I was sweating I was working so hard. I get one on the take the other one off. The other mom said just carry her are we are going to hear all day. She was right Ava is stubborn. The other mom picked her up. I felt terrible she has autistic twins, and her other child was there also. I took Ava from her and carried her to our friend’s backyard. I just let her walk around with no shoes. Fuck it!!!. Sometimes you just have to let life be.

I am concerned she might get sick. But at that moment Fuck it was my answer. Other autism mom gets it.

This morning she put on her coat and shoes with no problem. I was prepared for the fight. I put everything on several minutes before she had to get in the transportation. God gave me this child for a reason. #autismmom

Speech Device update!!

We had the speech appointment. I feel the woman conducting the test made my day. I was early for the test. There was another little girl there. Not sure if she was autistic but I suspected.  She came to the appointment with the grandparents.

The little girl waved at Ava. Ava ignored her, but the grandfather was so surprised. He said she never really does that. Can you come home with us? If I had more time I would have talked to him further.

The therapist came out and got us out of the waiting early. We were in the little office waiting for the speech therapist from Ava school to show up. It gave us some time to talk.

She told me the device helps 90% of kids. I said 90%???? She said yes. They don’t all gain speech, but she has seen that. 90% of communication is increased. I am so excited. She basically told me to calm down. She has seen kids talk 4-6 years old and catch up to there peers. That made me feel amazing.

Then I told her how Ava is always watching the creation of the world documentaries that she finds on her tablet. She also watches shows in Spanish. She said she might be interested in planets, and it isn’t unusual that kids with autism watch things in other languages.

The school speech therapist shows up. The test only took an hour instead of the 2 hours that was anticipated. Due to Ava school already working with her and these devices.

So now we are working on the insurance to get the device. Things are looking up!! #autismmom

Endless Doctor’s appointments!!

Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.

I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.

She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.

So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom

Only my life!!

I am sorry I haven’t kept up with this Blog. I am planning on doing better. Life has been a rollercoaster in many ways.

Things happen to me, and all I think is how the hell is this my life. Ava was invited to a birthday party. First, it was going to be at a water park. Which I know she would have loved. I wouldn’t have enjoyed putting on a bathing suit. I would have sucked it up for my daughter.

That was canceled, and they changed it to a bouncy place. I knew Ava would hate the second option. I told the mother that we wouldn’t be coming. The mother that invited us really wanted us to go.

We went, and Ava hated the bouncy houses. She did enjoy walking around in circles. So it wasn’t that bad.

Well, we went to the grocery store after the party. I ran into this guy I dated when I was 17. He was still looking good. Recently divorced. We planned to hang out.

I couldn’t believe my luck. A bright light in a tunnel of darkness. I should have known better. Things in my life don’t work that way.

We hung out one night after Ava went to sleep. He tried to kiss me rub my back. I think clearly he is interested. We spent more time texting than talking. The second date planned.

Then out the blue, he said let me give you a hug. So Ava is sleep I met him outside, and we talked for about an hour. Well, that conversation was an eye opener, and I realized my life will never be dull. He basically told me he has been depressed for 20 years. An incident happened in his life 20 years ago that he couldn’t get passed and he hasn’t been happy since. I am thinking WTF!!!chris rock wtf GIF-source

I really didn’t know what to do with that information. I knew this was something I can not be involved with. The more he explained, the worse it got. He didn’t text me the next day. I am on total radio silence. We will see if he tries to contact me again. Then he said your daughter will be ok. I told the dude how can you say that about my daughter when clearly you are not ok. ONLY MY LIFE!!!

Swim lesson termination!!

Ava was enjoying swimming. It wasn’t easy to get her use to it. The first few sessions it took her a while to warm up.

Then she started to enjoy it. My aunt paid for six private lessons. We got through those, half the summer has passed. We signed her up for an additional six. We got through four of them. Then the young instructor had a sceduling issue. A few weeks had passed, and she tells me she no longer works on Sunday.

I asked for a refund. I was told they don’t give refunds. Then she offered to provide me with another instructor. I said her two lessons was not enough. It will take two lessons for Ava to warm up to the instructor. They offered me four lessons to make up for the inconvenience.

Several weeks had passed before our new lessons were set up. I get to the pool. Ava was not in the best mood. I got there early to talk to the new instructor about Ava and what she will need.

Those people had no idea what I was talking about. I waited a half an hour, and finally, I go up to someone. Is Ava going to have a lesson today? He said no. I was fuming. I went to the front desk and got a card for the director of operations.

I emailed him as soon as I got home. Demanding a refund. He emailed me back in ten minutes. I was shocked because it was Sunday.

He apologized and said he understood because he worked with the autism community for 10 years.

We talked later in the week, and he stated I would get a refund. When he sent me the reciept, it was the total for all six lessons. I was a little shocked by that.

People don’t understand the hoops I need to jump through for my child. For them to make us wait a half an hour and Ava running towards the pool hard to contain and they didn’t seem to give a shit.


Good Men

you ready

Even though I am a single mother by choice. I do believe there are Good Men out there. I know men like to think I am a Man hatter because I took the male out of the situation of motherhood.

I had no choice. No one wanted to step up. I wanted to be a mother and my time was ticking. I do think Good Men exist I just haven’t found the one for me. Not every Good Man would be for me. Also, not every man who puts themselves on a pedestal is a Good Man.

An ex-contacted me after several years. We are Facebook Friends. I want to talk about my life he wants to send me Dick Pics. If you were to ask him, he would tell you he is a great man. He isn’t the worst dude but not high on my list of prospects.

If a good possibility comes in my life, believe me, I would be screaming like I won the lottery. I don’t want to be alone. I am alone due to not wanting to deal with bullshit. I would rather be alone. I think that has always been my problem according to men. I am too independent. I don’t need a man, I want a man. There is a total difference there. I need someone who would be an asset, not a liability. I have enough going on in my life to take on anything crazy!!!

Dating a married man

dont judge me lady gaga GIF-source

I randomly think of things that happen in the past. In my early twenties, I dated a married man. I didn’t have sex with him. I was incredibly stupid and young at the time. That person I no longer am. I would never date another woman’s husband.

At the time I just lost 100 pounds and he was soo handsome. He didn’t hit on me directly he stated we could be friends. I am well aware of that trick. No, I don’t need to be friends with a married man either. There is this married guy who continues to get in touch with me to this day. I don’t answer his calls or text. He still makes attempts.

The one from years ago had me feeling sorry for him. His wife treated him so bad. Boo Hoo I look back and keep believe I fell for that bullshit. It all came to ahead when I kissed him.

A wave of guilt and what the hell am I doing came over me. That was the last day I entertained him at all. The one who still calls I met through a friend. When I originally met him through a friend. He was very handsome but also short. I had no idea he was interested in me until I ran into him at a club and he said I looked good.

I thought to wait for you like me. I was a little shocked. A very successful short handsome black man. We were supposed to have a date that never materialized. Then I hadn’t talked to him for about a year. I ran into someone who knew him and he mentioned dude got married. I thought really. Come to find out he was dating this girl for years. Another six months pass and he hits me up on text. He asked me on a date. I said aren’t you married. I think he was shocked I knew that information.

He just got married it hadn’t been a year. I don’t give a shit if he is happy or not. None of my business. I told him no thank you. This was six years ago. He still texts me and sends me messages. He is in Boston. I don’t care he is in Boston. I haven’t responded in years. He still tries. How desperate can you be? We were casual acquaintance. Nothing more. I will never understand the mind of a horny cheating ass man.