Not being lazy!!

I actually got motivated today and cleaned my room. I but an organization dresser from amazon. I am not the Do it yourself bitch. It took me two hours to put it together. I had to take it a part a few times and try again. Not that complicated, but I suck at putting things together. My room is looking amazing. I went to Amazon and ordered two more with different diameters. I can throw out the tv stand I was using as a shelf. I am trying to make my home where I want to be.

My job wants us to go back in the office. I told them the earliest I can come back is September when Ava starts school. She is in the autism center which is medical. I am not looking forward to this at all. So when it was there advantage they found a way for me to work at home. Now that it would benefit me, they want me back in the office.

My friend who is looking for a job, said there are thousands of work at home jobs. I don’t want to start over. I told my boss my mom is my only support if anything happens to her I would be screwed. She lost her mom a few years ago, so she understands. I have to admit if some money came into my life I would be out. Living my best life. I have lottery tickets on my dresser praying for financial freedom.

I also want more children, I have it all figured out. I have a half brother that I do not talk to. Long story not going to share at the moment. Well, I would have a lawyer call for his sperm and get an egg donor and a surrogate. I have no desire to give birth again. I also would want a DNA test to prove me are related. Mom’s baby dads, maybe. This is all my fantasy. My fantasy is so much better than my reality. I will get it done. I am going to bring my fantasy into my reality. At least I am working on it.

Baldheaded Barbie

Not sure if I mentioned that my hair is falling out. I let it happen, thinking it was stress. It got excessive, and I had to face the facts. I made a dermatology appointment. He stated he thought I had LPP hair loss. That I would never regain the hair I lost but could save the hair I have. To confirm, he took a part of my scalp to send in.

I never been a part of the wig generation. I always had dermetitist on my scalp which always make it difficult for anything to be on my head. I wanted to cry. My daughter’s needs have driven my stress level up. I know my immune system is shit. I got shingles twice. Now I am going to be bald.

My cousin told me not to worry about it until I get the results. I was like ok, but you know that didn’t happen. I have been depressed. I am fat, granted I lost 20 pounds. Still fat now, I am going to be bald. I am not a vain person, never really put much effort into my hair. I still don’t want it gone.

So this two-week wait has been some kind of bullshit. Then I get a call from a number I didn’t know. It was the dermatologists. Shocked to hear from him because my appointment is tomorrow. He stated I don’t have LPP I have psoriasis.

That made my day. There is a possibility my hair will grow back. I know I am the only person who is dancing around because I have PSORIASIS.

She is 7 Time Flies

I can’t believe it has been seven years. Like my 15 years in Atlanta the time flies by. I have gone through so many changes with her during her seven years of life. We had a birthday party which consisted of a few people on zoom singing happy birthday over a broken 7 candle on her little cake. She doesn’t eat cake. In happy autism mom news it seems she liked her toys.She played with them for a whole hour and they haven’t been touched today. I am happy to get some play activity out of them.

I was looking out the window at the landscaper my mom is friends with that used to live on the street. He went through a divorce and lived with his mom. He used to tell my mom I was beautiful. He would blow kisses at me when I saw him. I am 6 feet. I think he is 5’6, maybe. I was not interested. He came over yesterday to put our air conditioners in. Living in Boston wall units are taken in and out yearly. He has moved and bought a house.

I was watching him do my neighbors’ yard work. Can I say I had a major level of attraction? I felt like I messed up, at least not going on a date with the man. I have many 20\20 hindsight issues in my life.

On Ava’s birthday, I messed up and had some of her nasty cake she wasn’t interested in. Back on my keto mission today. I working on getting back in my law of attraction brain. Being negative has done nothing for me. I was watching a video today, actually listening while working. This woman stated to make a list using the words I am certain. I am going to work on it for sure. Then sit with those things will happen.

My List:

I am certain Ava talks and catches up with her peers

I am certain Ava independence and successful in anything she wants to do

I am certain soon my body size that makes me the happiest

I am certain my social media career has an abundance income that makes my financial dreams come true

I am certain Ava is safe and has everything we need

I am certain my life partner in coming soon

I am certain additional children are in my future

Not sure if I did this right. I suck at grammar which anyone who consistently reads my blog knows very well. It was supposed to be written in presence tence. Not sure, but I will continue to work on my list.

As the bullshit turns!!

Ava is gaining weight. I couldn’t figure it out because of her limited diet. I finally figured it out. It is the new seizure medicine. I emailed her doctor, waiting for a response.

The toilet didn’t flush right away, and I had PTSD worrying what else did this child put in the toilet. I haven’t talked to the plumber in five years. Then had to call him twice in a week. I swear I need BORING in my life.

We also had the parent meeting and even thought I don’t regret her going to the autism center. I am ready for her to have an educational curriculum. That is coming and I need to wait. I am nervous about her starting school and excited.

She has been having some off the charts behaviors. This came out of nowhere. I wonder if it is also the medication.

I also had a run-in with someone in an autism group on Facebook. I post homeschool videos on many autism groups. Trying to promote my group when people reach out to me. Also, for any tips I can get from others. Every now and then the crazy folks running the group get under my skin. This woman told me I should let Ava use her speech device when she wants and not test her and demand response. The problem with these thinking is no one will believe Ava can do anything without proof. If she cannot do things on demand, they put her in the category of non intelligent. Also, she looks upset. What kid wants to do homework? Then she said she isn’t posting anymore of my video expressing how hard this is. I am saying it is hard for me to homeschool this child, and I need to ask her permission to video her. She can say yes or no. Actually, she can’t. I deleted all my videos off this crazy woman’s group and left. Homeschool is difficult on a good day. With a nonverbal child is very difficult. I have no time for this nonsense. I learned there is no reason to argue with these crazy people. It is her group I left no problem. Still pissed me off.

Adulting is hard!!

The lawyer sent over my will and the special needs trust for Ava. It has been sitting on my desk for a week. I need to read it and make any necessary adjustments. I am having a hard time thinking about my death. Life has hit me over the head in many ways after Ava’s diagnosis.

I know life is difficult for most. Due to her diagnosis, I try to stay hopeful and optimistic. It isn’t always easy, but I do try. Why does being an adult suck so badly? I didn’t have the best childhood. Now looking back, I should have appreciated being a child more than I did.

I am still trying to keep hope alive with all my dreams. All the things I want Ava to achieve. I can’t predict the future. Wish I had a heads up. Clearly most people would. All I can do is try my best to stay positive.

Always Something

My heat is not working. While working from home I am freezing because this is New England and even though it is fall, we have a cold day. My mom called the plumber. Yes, the one I dated for a brief time. He is a straight up liar. At least in dating him. I have to put on my big girl panties to get heat in my house. He doesn’t charge us just to show up. He is expensive, but he gets the job done.

I talked to my family about my family history. Wow, going through my entire family, medical, and what I know about them really makes them all look shitty. There are a lot of Cancers and disease in my father’s side of the family. Also, I don’t have a relationship with my father’s side.

I feel like something is always happening. Something always pushing my buttons in the wrong way. Arguing with my health insurance of them not wanting to cover prescriptions without a pre-authorization.

We have heat Thank God. Plumber went to get a part. He told me he messed up with me and has been through drama over the years since we broke up. I felt bad for him; I don’t like anyone going through drama. He has gained weight; he said stress. I told him I understand my weight gain, shingles and my enormous ball of stress. I am grateful for heat. I was in here freezing, trying to work.

Day to DAY!!

I am looking for boring. Ava keeps me on my toes. Now behaviors that she had several years ago are back in a big way. I swear this kid doesn’t ease into anything. It is on or off with her. Now she is chewing on her clothes, peeing on the floor. Even though she had several months of no accidents. Taking off her clothes for attention.

I am having a hard time with these changes. I thought we got to a very good pace wit her. It seems this is a big regression. The BCBA said we will sort this out. I stopped giving her fish oil and thought that might be it. I am hoping and praying the fix is that easy. I started the fish oil again four days ago.

The BCBA said she didn’t think she was ready for school. My friend’s fellow autism mom asked why I said nothing. I said her opinion doesn’t matter, so there was nothing to say. The autism center is not a long-term solution. She needs an education and the autism center is not a school. I appreciate them, but I feel Ava has outgrown them. She is only there because of Covid. I know there is allot going on in Ava’s mind that needs to come out.

The school she will go to will have a AAC device dept. I am ready for her to learn how to read and math. I have high hopes. Also, she hasn’t had a speech in almost a year. Another causality from covid. I am nervous and excited for her starting school.

An autism mom asked me why I am stressed. I feel my life is nothing but stress and worry. For many reasons. That is why I found a therapist. Not saying it has totally helped, but it is nice to have someone to talk to. Pray for us, I and Ava can always use your prayers.

I had tears

I logged onto my Facebook group Autism Mom Strong. I received a message from a autism mom I have to share. It brought tears to my eyes.

LETTER:

Good morning! I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job with your page and vlogs. I have an 8 year old daughter diagnosed with autism.

Let me share with you how you inspired me. On February 8th, I was viewing a video you shared with your daughter using a speech device. I saw how great your daughter was doing and thought that my daughter could do the same. She always had a device from the school with proloquo2go on it, but there were only 4 buttons. Your video inspired me to try to add more buttons and see if she would be able to use it more functionally. The school led me to believe that she wasn’t ready for additional buttons.

After googling how to add these additional buttons, I went to my daughter (who reads) and told her to tell me “hi” and she selected hi. I ask her, “how she was doing?”, and she replied with the “I am fine” button. This was our first actual conversation.

You see in October my daughter’s IEP was to learn the letters of the alphabet, after working at home with her and pushing her, I discovered in November that she could read and comprehend, even though she is completely non-verbal.

In the past week I have realized that she can add, subtract, divide, and multiply. She even told me through the device last week when I asked her why she won’t talk….that “I try but you don’t understand me”.  it appears in her head she is talking but all that comes out is squeaking sounds. We are going to work hard to get those sounds into words.

My daughter doesn’t mimic and takes a long time to process things but with patience and persistence we are making progress.

You don’t how me seeing your one video that day has opened up a new world for my daughter. Keep sharing your story and inspiring other mothers. YOU are an inspiration to me and so many others.

I am in the process of getting my daughter re-evaluated to find the right school for her now that we have discovered all of this…I’ll always remember you!

I reached out and now me and this mom are friends. Are daughters are so similar. God is Good!!!

Hindsight 20/20

I was thinking about my ex. I dated him off and on for 12 years. Yes, a waste of time in the long run. Well, when I was 27 he asked me to have a child. Now looking back I should of did it. I was so insulted when he asked. He wanted me to a baby mama. Not a wife, a woman that gives him a child.

Never thinking I would end up in these circumstances. I feel I had a lot of failure to launch relationships. I grew up when dating online started. I jumped in with both feet. That ex had a gorgeous profile on Match.com when I met him. I have to say; I have met no one else on Match.com from that point. He was handsome but gained about 20 pounds from the picture he put it. Not a big deal in my book.

I was in love with that man. He was not in love with me, or not capable of a commitment. I blame part of this on Atlanta. There are so many single ladies in that place. So many men do not want to commit. I wonder if I stayed in Boston would I have ended up married.

In my long running opinion, I was never desperate to be married. I thought it was a nice concept if I was in love. I never felt it was anything I had to do. I should have had that baby. Shit, I should have pushed two out for him. My only thing is my life really took off after I broke up with him. I bought a house and made some lifelong friends living in that location. All that would not have happened if I had his child.

Can’t change the past, so these are thoughts running around my head on hump day.

Feeling Good

Today I don’t feel depressed. I know I only had my reward chart for two days. It has given me something to look forward to. I have many dreams and projects I want to work on. Over the past year I have done about 5% of working on things I am interested in.

In the law of attraction, you can’t just wait around for things to happen. It is more than being positive. Do your part. I haven’t done my part, and it was making me more depressed seeing nothing accomplished.

I have a friend that said I always have a project. I am an only child and always found things to entertain myself. I want to work on another book. Increase my social media presence to make money. Work on Ava talking. With countless other things. I enjoy being creative. The more I sit around getting fat, watching mindless T.V. is killing me softly.