Day 1 again!!

I schedule out my blog so this might be a little old to the actual date written. I am hoping by the time this post I will make some substantial difference in my weight. I reached a weight I couldn’t believe.

Today I started again. I have said this over and over, but I made it to the end of the day. I stayed below my calorie count. I even worked out to Hip Hop abs with my daughter. We are going to have to work out together.

She kept dragging out toys in the living room as I am bouncing around. I had to take a break to change a diaper. I re-winded the tape I didn’t cheat.I made it through the end of the night and I want to binge. I am sipping on a diet Ginger ale.  Eventually I will get rid of the sodas. For tonight this soda is preventing me from going to the kitchen to look for a snack.

I want to lose 50 by birthday, 80 pounds in total. That is my long term goal. Right now I am working on going to sleep with nothing extra to eat. Pray for me. Hopefully by the time you read this I will be down ten pounds. I want to see the scale going down instead of up.

Dating fail!!

I joined a dating site for single parents. I should have vetted this site more before putting down my credit card. The lack of time in my life I didn’t do enough research. Then I signed up for six months for a better deal like an idiot. One month should have been it. Every guy on there looks crazy. Some look like they are on drugs. I have never been on a site with so many undesirables in my life. That is including Plenty of Fish. I canceled immediately I would be totally rip shit if they renewed this shit ass site on me and I wasn’t paying attention. So I have to suck up the six months. I am going to try and give it a chance. I have a six months to so that.

I wanted a man with kids. So he can understand my plight. I am not the pickiest person but damn, who the hell are these dudes. I read the profiles like hell naw not me, can’t do it. I don’t care if my ass got to 300 pounds I couldn’t do it.

I might be harsh but I wish I could give you an example. You would see where I was coming from.


Social Media!

I feel like my mom with the VCR back in the say. I am not a wiz with social media. I actually don’t have time to figure it out. I try my best, and I know I could do so much better with knowledge.

These kids got this shit on lock. They grew up in this age making it all easier. I have a message and I am trying to figure out how to get it out. Not easy and something I actually fell into. This blog started from a asshole ex. Granted his NEW title is asshole, it wasn’t when he made the suggestion. Well he knows writing is my thing. Which I have never been consistency at in my life. Because I lack discipline in all matters of my life.

He started this blog for me. Granted I wish he picked Google because I could get some absence. I have no idea how to move it over. Also I have so much going on don’t feel like even going there. If I had time I would create my own website.

I think god is going to bless me with all I ask. I am going to keep asking until that happens. What could it hurt.

My Room!!

I am feeling my life is in disarray. My room has crap all over the place. Partly because I have a two year old who likes to touch everything. She drags my shit all through this little ass room. Then I have a cat who loves me and I hate. Hate might be a strong word. Strongly don’t like. In my old age, I realize I am not an animal person.

I need to clean this sometime today. I also have a bunch of scratch tickets on my desk I haven’t scratched. I know it is crazy. My possible millions that are scattered all over a desk. I keep collecting and not scratching.

I decided even if I win, I wouldn’t leave my mom’s house until she is three. I would totally get on trying for baby number two. I know I stay in my fantasy world on occasion. Some folks think I am crazy. I think why the hell not. My fantasy life is so grand and prolific. I will never give it up. It keeps my mind business at work. Even thought I love my job it is boring as hell. I think hell would be more entertaining. So I have to explain, I love my job, I don’t like what I do.

I like my job because there is not stress or drama. I am a union employee (first time in my life) They can’t make me stay late. (LOVE THAT). My boss is so sweet and nice. I am appreciates and they think I am great and do well with my job.

The fact that my profession is not exciting or gives me happiness to do the rest my life. Pales in comparison to the other things I mentioned. I need to pay bills. Most people are not giggling happy to go to work.

When I did this job in corporate it came with deadlines and crazy bosses. I had a few good ones but a bunch of crazies. That want you to sleep at the job to get bullshit done. I have a great work ethic, but not in love with what I do.

All this to say my day dream game is on point. I can go into a whole different world while doing my work. It keeps me motivated try it, you will never go back.

Hey the positive people dream it , it will come. I am going to clean this hot mess of a room. Wish me luck!!!

Mommy Fail!!

So I was board and Ava and I been in the house all day. So I decided we were going to get out. So we went for a drive. I decided to head to the walking mall in Dedham. We went to Stride Rite where I was utterly embarrassed. I had her feet measured. She was a whole size up.

I felt like an idiot. How did I have my baby walking in small shoes. I bought her shoes right before the summer. I know my baby will have big feet. I have big feet. I have size 11 my mom has size 12. I know she will be tall and thin I hope. Not like her mom that grew up tall and fat.

So she got some light up sneakers with Ariel from frozen on them. She has no idea who that is. She did like that the shoes lit up. So all around happiness. I asked them how often do I need to check her feet. She said every three months. I am going to stick to that schedule.

When I was in the store a mother and father were not arguing but they were not agreeing.  The mother wanted to buy the daughter some shoes for special occasion. Father was like I am not spending that money for her to wear the shoes a few times. Mother let it go but you could see she wasn’t happy. Then she found out there was a sale. Buy one second one 40% off. That didn’t sway the father at all.

Ava does not get a lot of shoes. Two every time her feet change. A pair of sneakers and  a pair of shoes. I am going to buy her more clothes for the season next week. Trying to keep up with this growing child is a lot. We have a new friend I mentioned her before. Her daughter is three and they wear the same size. Her daughter is a little taller. My big baby will go through an awkward stage, but eventually she will love her height.

Black don’t crack!!

This is an old saying. My boss and others are shocked how old I am. When I am at my sexy weight I look younger. I have never found my age an issue. I guess because I always liked older men.

I know a lot of women lie about there age. I don’t even feel excited when my birthday comes. It is just another day. I want another baby so my age is an issue at the moment. Ava looks just like me. Exactly what I wanted and asked god for. Being an only child myself I always wanted a sibling that looked like me.

When I am looking at daughter I see a miniature me. She hugs and kisses. She brings us things like animal crackers jar. She loves my mother. My mom is her BFF. My mother spends the most time with her. My mother loves her to pieces. I feel a lot of this has to do with her being her only grandchild that she thought she would never have.

I feel guilty not being a stay at home mom. I wish I could afford such an opportunity. Life is good I have a good paying job. I can pay my bills and my daughter is making progress. God is a good and I am not going complain. Many people have it a lot worse.

Update on everything!!!

Well my diet went to hell after I went to Outback. I begin again today. I still have lost 4 pounds so it wasn’t a total loss. I will not eat anything unless I check it in

I did do a lackluster workout Sunday afternoon. I have been in my fantasy world big time. I have this dream house I found. I look at it every week to see if anyone has bought it. The house is the perfect layout for Ava and I. Sunday I found it on Google earth. I actually don’t like the location. It is a cluster of three other houses. Not much space to have people visit. Not that I have a lot of friends or anything. I digress!!!

I have a stack of lottery scratch tickets sitting on my desk. I have to say I am a hoarder at this point. I also have been on sperm bank website. I found several I would pick when ready. All in all staying optimistic with everything in my life.

Ava is progressing and I consider myself blessed. Everything is not perfect and we have a long way to go. If we were not progressing it would show signs of worse problems. So her doctors and therapist say she is doing well. No one can predict the future. Which is such a pain in the ass. No one wants to make any bullshit promises. Thank god I found another mother going through the same thing. I am so grateful for a friend on this front.

Work is still going well, no complaints. I bought Ava a bunch of fall clothes. I was really slipping on the clothing front. It was cold one day and I had nothing to put on my child. I scrambled something together. I got about 8 outfits and other random things from Target. I will be here in a few days. I will not let another season sneak up on me like that again. #momlife

Out to lunch….

I messed up. Not intentionally!!! We went to Outback Steak House. I thought I was ordering responsibly. Nope, when I got back to work and put it in myfitnesspal calories was beyond ridiculous. So old me would say Fuck it, I am going to eat what I want the rest of the day. I already messed up. Not doing that shit this time. Getting right back on plan. I will eat out but it will be at a minimum. This time was celebration for the office. Only real special occasions. I picked out something reasonable. Then we get there and switch restaurants. Also today is my late night at work. My mom wants me to hit the grocery store after work. Perfect excuse not to do shit when I get home. I am going to try and push through my excuses tonight. Pray for me!!!!!!!