Same Struggle Another day

My weight has been a life-long struggle. I go through times I throw my hands up and just eat what I want. Which is what has been happening for about two weeks now? Losing weight always seems to keep me on the struggle bus. Gaining I can do with a blink of an eye.

My knees are hurting, my clothes are getting tight. I lost six pounds before I got sick on chicken salad. So I begin again. Made it through lunch and I am still on the road to success. That road feels like it is full of traffic and can lead to many accidents that can throw me in a ditch of failure.

My cousin was cleaning out of her house and found old pictures of me. I was young, about Ava age 5-6 and I had no weight issues. Now 8 is when things got out of hand. I don’t want to relieve that because it won’t help me now. Can’t change the past, the future hasn’t happened yet all I have is today.

This frame of thinking is how I make it through most things these days. Life is a shit show for many. Mine is blessed on many levels, but still can be a shit show at any random time. I pray for the health and wellbeing of everyone. I wish bad on no one, even my enemies. I have to say, I can’t think of one enemy I have at the moment. There are people I don’t like for sure. No enemies, which I feel is a whole different ball game.

I haven’t done the best of keeping in touch with people. My plate is full. They will just have to understand. Ava is the love of my life. Also, she can be the biggest pain in the ass. Which I feel is the job of most children.

I miss my old life from time to time. I then have to say it again and again can’t do anything about the past. So many things have changed that even if I could go back to the home, I did a short sale on and tried to live my life right now it would not be the same.

Time waits for no one, all I can do is the best I can do.

New Normal!

Since Covid19 Ava and my life have gone through many changes. From me turning into her therapist and working from home. Which was a total shit show? I did the best I could, and that is all that matters. Once the autism center opened up again Ava didn’t have an automatic place. They opened up slowly, and they were keeping the kids apart with less staff. Ava BCBA fought for her to come back. And I really appreciated it.

It scared me to deal with her going back. They are using masks and shields and only two BT has a connection to my Ava. When those two BT had the day off, they called and asked if it was all right for someone else to work with her.

Ava was regressing at home. Which is something we can’t afford to happen? Ava is six years old, and I put her developmentally at 3-year-old.

I have been picking her up and dropping her off. Which is something I can do because I am now working from home? I have to make up the time, but it is worth it for my baby safety. I don’t know if I trust the transportation. They are likable people, but how would I know the cleaning has been done properly. I am sad that they are losing money. Which would have happened because of Ava was supposed to start school?

The school I fought for her placement. I talked to the principal, and he stated they do not know if they are starting in September. So we are in a hold position. I said if they do not open; I want her to stay at the autism center. I do not want her place in jeopardy. I need that in writing. He would do some research and get back to me.

We are all in a holding position.

Michael Brooks Died

Who is Michael Brooks, He was on a podcast and a YouTuber with the show the Minority Report which he was a co-host. He eventually started his own show. His opinions were deep and insightful. I have to admit some of his positions went over my head. Leaning me to inquire more, to be informed for my own self-interest. Knowing these are not multi-millionaires on main street media, which leads me to distrust Fox news as equally CNN and MSNBC. It is clear these multi-million dollar paychecks make none of them impartial. They don’t even pretend. As it allowed the Cuomo brotherly love fest to go on CNN. As Anderson Cooper was birthed in privilege as equal to Tucker Carlson. A mindset of people that feel giving to regular charities is better than paying their fair share in taxes. Each will not reduce their wealth in no substantial way.

Those voices do not speak to me. The only reason I hear the voices is I have a mother in her 70’s that keeps those channels on all day.  I have a distrust of all these people that are driven by three paychecks and stock market portfolios. Or can’t relate to my everyday problems because of the wealth and privilege they had the blessing to be born into. 

I don’t feel the comfort of understanding because of Anderson Cooper is gay. Being a part of a discriminated group doesn’t console that he is still a white man born into an extreme amount of wealth that opens doors that the average person will never have. I feel equally this about Jewish people. We are both a discriminated class, but I had racism inflicted on me by Jews. I don’t cloud my thinking this speaks for everyone with wealth or all Jews. I am cautious and judge everyone individually like I would want to be judged. Not as the black woman spoke person for all things black. I want to be judged on who I am and what I contribute to society. Unfortunately, as a black woman, I do not have that luxury.

These progressives have lead me to my favorite reporter who is always a must-watch.  Ryan Grim, which always puts things in understandable terms and seems to have the pulse of the situation at all times. I also like Emma Vigeland on The Young Turks. No particular reason I like her motivation and passion.

I wake up and I see Michael Brooks has died. He was young 37. I am in my forties. I have to say when someone dies young it bothers me greatly. He really made an imprint on me as a listener of his show. A person he doesn’t know will never meet, but affected.

Living in my life as a college-educated Black woman with a disabled child. I didn’t feel the topics of my major concerns have been overwhelming topics on these platforms. They have educated me in the positions that politicians who have lied which was clear by three votes.  Where the bodies are buried where the money is making the vote over interest in the people they serve. Such as Cory Booker and his interest in health care corporation money over the health care of the people. Until he was caught red-handed and changed on a dime. It has proved to me all politicians need to be held to the fire at all times and not trusted based on anything else but actions.

I always felt Democrats are not innocent and can be an enormous part of the problem. Now with social media, these politicians cannot hide behind what they consider newsworthy in mainstream media, which is also owned by corporate America. The research is being done on their positions. Which they can’t change randomly to serve their political interest. Ex Susan Collins.   Or when the republican suddenly wanted to protect pre-existing conditions, but still fighting against it in court. With shows like the Michael Brooks Show, TYT and The Minority Report you get a unique view not pushed by a corporate agenda. The research on these politicians and you realized the system is rigid on both sides and it is all driven by money.

They have helped lead my interest in local politics. I want to say thank you to Michael Brooks and I hope he rests in peace.

Depression Without Driving Yourself Crazy

Ava still not talking and very delayed for 6 gets to me from time to time. It not all-encompassing and always on the brain. It is there enough to get me down and low to the point of depression. Depression has definitely been a big part of my family makeup with most family members suffering from it with various degrees of how it effects there lives. I had an aunt who I dare to say was an undiagnosed manic depressive.

The black community is very anti mental health complaints. We throw prayers at it, make excuses for it, but never go as far as trying to fix it. Not to say fixing mental health issues is an easy endeavor. I have seen therapists over the years with various degrees of success. The last time I was crying in someone’s office, their idea of a solution was various drugs. Where I had multiple side effects. When I would come in with a complaint about the side effect, I was told I need to give it a chance.

Then I asked the question I felt should have been explored from the beginning of the medication bandaid. What do I expect these drugs to do for me? This by no means diminishes the people that are helped by medication. I have not been helped by medication. Correction one drug I was feeling a bit happy, but I also broke out in a rash all over my body I couldn’t get rid of for three weeks. Taking Benadryl by the handful not to scratch my skin off.

I knew for years my depression has always been situational. When I couldn’t get pregnant and had several miscarriages, for example. My depression looms over my daughter’s diagnosis cannot be helped by drugs. Autism isn’t something that can be ignored and I need my head in the game, even if it is the depressed head. There are obligations I need to handle on behalf of my daughter that I can’t be out of it with a fake happy.

I asked the Doctor why she keeps prescribing me these medications these drugs will not take away my daughter’s autism. Then she gave me some mumbo jumbo about if I had cancer I would treat it. Yeah, Yeah stop pushing drugs on me like you work directly for a big pharma company and get a kickback. I canceled my next appointment and got off the drugs. Did my depression go away, hell no? It is still there, therefor good and bad days for it to rain upon me.

We all have things we have to deal with. That is the ultimate truth. I stay prayed up and hopefully my child will talk and catch up to her peers. Be able to live a life of independence. Will that happen who the hell knows. For me to keep going forward optimism is the game that needs to be played. Negativity does nothing but stroke the fears and cripples my life. I have an important someone I have to stay on top of my game.

 

It’s been a long time!!

I have no idea if anyone is still reading blogs. I used to love this blog to blurt out my thoughts and get it off my chest. Life has been crazy, and I am shocked I haven’t written on here since Oct 2019.

Well, update Ava is six years old. She still has no words and very delayed for her age. We assessed she is about 3-4 developmentally. She is very bright in my view. I fought the system, and she was supposed to go to one of the best suburban public schools in the state in September. Now that there is a pandemic, I have no idea what is going to happen in September. I had to make the hard decision to send her back to the autism center. With Ava having seizures and we been in the hospital three times during the pandemic due to seizures.

She was regressing at home. I am no therapist and I turned into that person with zoom calls from the BCBA from the autism center. Ava nor I was happy about this arrangement. Working from home all day then getting on a zoom call. Once call done do ABA trials for an hour an half. I was well done with the whole process.

The bonus that I can work for home. I automated my job three months before the pandemic. They had no thoughts of letting me work from home. Until I because an essential employee. I have been working since the shutdown in March. I am very thankful to have a job.

Still, stress, but grateful my mother is my co-parent. If Ava was neurotypical she would be capable of more and need less care. So I feel like I get no breaks. Pray for us. I am going to try and update this blog regularly and maybe breathe some life back into it.

Sick as a Dog!!

A week ago, I came down with a sickness. I was convinced it was stress-related. I have been worrying about everything. I am working on taking life one day at a time. I am getting better day by day. I started listening to meditation on YouTube when I got to sleep or take a nap. Ask, Believe, Receive. I have been doing a lot of asking. Working on believing and praying receiving happens.

I am working on another stream of income. I don’t have the time to get it off the ground. I do not understand when I will squeeze it in. A friend of mine said I always have a project. I could do nothing but laugh, she is right. My mind is still working, and I always want to start something. I remember the law of attraction; you should work on your interest at least 30 min a day.

 

I have been sleeping and not much else. Oh yeah, eating has been a real hobby. I have also been putting some effort into dating apps lately. Can I say I am having no luck?

Stressed at work!!!

My job isn’t difficult it has a lot of volume.  When someone quit I took on several of his responsibilities. Then they hired someone and didn’t take them away from me. I was handling it until my boss went on maternity leave. Now I am drowning. We made it through year-end. I told my boss over the phone that I am struggling with.

I never like complaining at work. That has never gone well from me in the past. I am part of the union so they can’t make me work overtime. They have offered to pay me for overtime hours. I have to say after getting there early to make sure I get a parking space. Then working all day. I have a few social moments, but pretty much plugging away the entire workday.

I took a few days off here and there. I rarely use my vacation just incased it is needed. I do use my sick days with all of Ava’s appointments. I had piles waiting for me.

She said she is going to talk to the big boss. I was complaining a bit today and a coworker said I should have never taken on the work because I am in the union. I don’t like using the union, I am a team player. My boss goes above and beyond and I don’t mind doing the same thing. I am a single mom and need to be home. I already fight ridiculous traffic to get home.

When I am asked to work on other things. Such as checking someone elses work I do as requested. My boss and the big boss appreciates my help. I told them whatever they want me to do during the hours I am there I will do.

I have been in the position before. I will start by asking my manager what she wants me to do to manage my work. Not let them have the expectation that it all will be done. I don’t have any intention to work overtime either. They need to give the new employee that has been there a year a few more responsibilities.

Autism travel Anxiety

I am not a big traveler. Taking this trip to Atlanta, I realized Ava, and I will not travel unless there are significant changes. She isn’t patient at all. All the waiting and lining up and going through security would not have gone smoothly.

Her new thing is laying on the floor and not wanting to get up. The bigger she gets, the harder it is to handle the situation. Also, what would happen if she refuses to get on the plane?

There are so many things that could make it virtually impossible for air travel. The neurotypical parent doesn’t have to worry about such things. I have to say I can be a little jealous of them.

Would I like to travel with my child? I would love to. Thinking about it scares me to death. Is it worth it to go and have a hellish experience?

It isn’t totally off the table. Maybe when Ava development improves, it can be a possibility. I am keeping hope alive.

The Body Sock!!

A few years ago an autism mom sent Ava and me several things for Autism. I tried the body sock on Ava when she was 3 and she screamed her head off.

Now the autism center claims she loves the thing. She had an accident and had to send it home for me to wash. I couldn’t find the one I was gifted. I went straight to Amazon and bought a new one.

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Ava had a accident in the body sock at school they sent it home for me to wash it. I was gifted this and she hated it. Now she loves it. I am trying to find the one that was gifted. I just bought another one. When I find the other one we will have two. I love seeing the smile on her face. @busyblanketsensory #autism #autismawareness #autismmom #autismacceptance #autismo #autismawarenessmonth #autismfamily #autismspeaks #autismlife #autismlove #autismdad #autismparents #nonverbal #autismawarenessday #autismrocks #autismsupport #autismspectrum #autismspectrumdisorder #asd #autismkids #autismparent #autismwarrior #specialneeds #autisticgirl #autismus #nonverbal autism #love #autismmommy #autisticgirl #autismsprinter #nonverbalautism

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I will do anything to make my baby happy. She is so spoiled!!

 

Stressed at work!!

I have been so busy at work. My job isn’t hard it has a lot of volume.  I am trying to keep it straight every day. I guess it is job security. I have to say I like my job. I hate the traffic and parking issues.

I have been working there for almost four years. I constantly think about being so far away from home. With no backup for Ava. I really need to create a village to help me just in case of an emergency. I also have great hours but not for childcare.

My father is a recovering alcoholic and he always tries to bang in my head to take it one day at a time. Why do I spend time worrying about things I cannot control.

I need to have faith. I was watching Rock motivation speech.

I am trying to have faith in the future.  I have been blessed for many years. I didn’t appreciate my life the way I should. Now that I have challenges I need to work on my faith daily.

Working on myself!!!