Black don’t crack!!

This is an old saying. My boss and others are shocked how old I am. When I am at my sexy weight I look younger. I have never found my age an issue. I guess because I always liked older men.

I know a lot of women lie about there age. I don’t even feel excited when my birthday comes. It is just another day. I want another baby so my age is an issue at the moment. Ava looks just like me. Exactly what I wanted and asked god for. Being an only child myself I always wanted a sibling that looked like me.

When I am looking at daughter I see a miniature me. She hugs and kisses. She brings us things like animal crackers jar. She loves my mother. My mom is her BFF. My mother spends the most time with her. My mother loves her to pieces. I feel a lot of this has to do with her being her only grandchild that she thought she would never have.

I feel guilty not being a stay at home mom. I wish I could afford such an opportunity. Life is good I have a good paying job. I can pay my bills and my daughter is making progress. God is a good and I am not going complain. Many people have it a lot worse.

Update on everything!!!

Well my diet went to hell after I went to Outback. I begin again today. I still have lost 4 pounds so it wasn’t a total loss. I will not eat anything unless I check it in

I did do a lackluster workout Sunday afternoon. I have been in my fantasy world big time. I have this dream house I found. I look at it every week to see if anyone has bought it. The house is the perfect layout for Ava and I. Sunday I found it on Google earth. I actually don’t like the location. It is a cluster of three other houses. Not much space to have people visit. Not that I have a lot of friends or anything. I digress!!!

I have a stack of lottery scratch tickets sitting on my desk. I have to say I am a hoarder at this point. I also have been on sperm bank website. I found several I would pick when ready. All in all staying optimistic with everything in my life.

Ava is progressing and I consider myself blessed. Everything is not perfect and we have a long way to go. If we were not progressing it would show signs of worse problems. So her doctors and therapist say she is doing well. No one can predict the future. Which is such a pain in the ass. No one wants to make any bullshit promises. Thank god I found another mother going through the same thing. I am so grateful for a friend on this front.

Work is still going well, no complaints. I bought Ava a bunch of fall clothes. I was really slipping on the clothing front. It was cold one day and I had nothing to put on my child. I scrambled something together. I got about 8 outfits and other random things from Target. I will be here in a few days. I will not let another season sneak up on me like that again. #momlife

Out to lunch….

I messed up. Not intentionally!!! We went to Outback Steak House. I thought I was ordering responsibly. Nope, when I got back to work and put it in myfitnesspal calories was beyond ridiculous. So old me would say Fuck it, I am going to eat what I want the rest of the day. I already messed up. Not doing that shit this time. Getting right back on plan. I will eat out but it will be at a minimum. This time was celebration for the office. Only real special occasions. I picked out something reasonable. Then we get there and switch restaurants. Also today is my late night at work. My mom wants me to hit the grocery store after work. Perfect excuse not to do shit when I get home. I am going to try and push through my excuses tonight. Pray for me!!!!!!!


I was having an issues with one of Ava therapist. She has four and scheduling can be a beast. My mom is a trooper. One kept rescheduling. I keep jumping from being grateful they are there to help my daughter. To your ass need to stick to the schedule. I wrote a very professional email. I also took a Friday off because I needed a mental health day. I also wanted to see what is going on when I am work. I also had a progress meeting with one of the therapist. I had a face to face with the therapist that keeps rescheduling.

It went very well. She apologized and said that day kept having issues due to a staff meeting. We changed the day and she said we should be good from here.

Ava is doing great. A lot of progress and a lot of work still to be done. I am all about what I can do. One of the other therapist gave me some paperwork to look into. I might be an advocate for people in the same situation. I don’t know how I would fit this in. I am usually passionate about anything I have to go through. I see a lot of wholes in the services that I feel could be better.


Cancer Free!!

I had my first Mammogram. I year late but better late than never. I did it months ago but they called me and said technical difficulty. I thought they were calling me telling me I had cancer at first. I was freaking out. So I made the second screening months later. Since they made me come back they radiologist looked at it while I was there. I am cancer free. Thank you Jesus.

I got checked in by a girl I went to High School with. She looked great. Which I already knew since she is a Facebook Friend. She said I looked like I didn’t age. Which I thought was nice. But High School was not my most attractive years. She also said how she loved watching my a baby grow up on Facebook. She gave me a hug before I left. She was always nice and I have nothing bad to say about her in High School. We weren’t friends per say but she was always nice to me. Actually she was very popular and attractive in High School. She is still attractive. I love nice attractive people. I guess because there are so many attractive shitty people. This girl is beautiful inside and out. I defiantly had people in high school act like my six foot, fat behind was invisible. She was not one of those people.

It is funny how everyone became Facebook Friends with people they didn’t really like. It is also interesting how everyone lives was not paved in gold. There are a lot of deaths, drugs and just life. Shit happens to everyone on one is immune.

New Guy!!

I met this new guy online. I like the feeling of being wanted. I am no hurry to meet this guy. I know that is strange. I really don’t have time for a relationship. He would have to fit in my life. With my lack of totally time and babysitters.

I am also not at my ideal body weight. Which I told him I was on the plus side. It is not an issue to him. It is just hard for me to have confidence at this weight. I know love yourself Blah, Blah. I have to admit I love myself more when I can fit into some cute clothes.

Even thought my body always has the damage of being overweight for a large portion of my life. Which is hard. When the guy sees you in the cute clothes. They think you have a bikini body. What you really have is stretch marks and flab. But shit I will take that any day at this point. I told myself if I get to my goal weight I won’t care about the flab. Which I really didn’t the last time. How many people see you naked. If he is trying to get some and he turns you away because some flab and stretch marks he can kiss my ass. Most men are not that complicated. At least not the ones I dealt with.