Good Men

Even though I am a single mother by choice. I do believe there are Good Men out there. I know men like to think I am a Man hatter because I took the male out of the situation of motherhood.

I had no choice. No one wanted to step up. I wanted to be a mother and my time was ticking. I do think Good Men exist I just haven’t found the one for me. Not every Good Man would be for me. Also, not every man who puts themselves on a pedestal is a Good Man.

An ex-contacted me after several years. We are Facebook Friends. I want to talk about my life he wants to send me Dick Pics. If you were to ask him, he would tell you he is a great man. He isn’t the worst dude but not high on my list of prospects.

If a good possibility comes in my life, believe me, I would be screaming like I won the lottery. I don’t want to be alone. I am alone due to not wanting to deal with bullshit. I would rather be alone. I think that has always been my problem according to men. I am too independent. I don’t need a man, I want a man. There is a total difference there. I need someone who would be an asset, not a liability. I have enough going on in my life to take on anything crazy!!!

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Dating a married man

I randomly think of things that happen in the past. In my early twenties, I dated a married man. I didn’t have sex with him. I was incredibly stupid and young at the time. That person I no longer am. I would never date another woman’s husband.

At the time I just lost 100 pounds and he was soo handsome. He didn’t hit on me directly he stated we could be friends. I am well aware of that trick. No, I don’t need to be friends with a married man either. There is this married guy who continues to get in touch with me to this day. I don’t answer his calls or text. He still makes attempts.

The one from years ago had me feeling sorry for him. His wife treated him so bad. Boo Hoo I look back and keep believe I fell for that bullshit. It all came to ahead when I kissed him.

A wave of guilt and what the hell am I doing came over me. That was the last day I entertained him at all. The one who still calls I met through a friend. When I originally met him through a friend. He was very handsome but also short. I had no idea he was interested in me until I ran into him at a club and he said I looked good.

I thought to wait for you like me. I was a little shocked. A very successful short handsome black man. We were supposed to have a date that never materialized. Then I hadn’t talked to him for about a year. I ran into someone who knew him and he mentioned dude got married. I thought really. Come to find out he was dating this girl for years. Another six months pass and he hits me up on text. He asked me on a date. I said aren’t you married. I think he was shocked I knew that information.

He just got married it hadn’t been a year. I don’t give a shit if he is happy or not. None of my business. I told him no thank you. This was six years ago. He still texts me and sends me messages. He is in Boston. I don’t care he is in Boston. I haven’t responded in years. He still tries. How desperate can you be? We were casual acquaintance. Nothing more. I will never understand the mind of a horny cheating ass man.

Seizure Video

The day Ava had her second Seizure I was taping her for my Youtube channel. We were at children’s hospital getting the intake done for an MRI. During the intake, she threw up and had a seizure.

It was horrible. I ran across this video twice. Both times watching it, I couldn’t watch it in entirely. Also, I can’t stop myself from crying. When there is something wrong with your child it is so hard to handle.

I have so much stress with things I can not control. I know the serenity prayer. It isn’t helping at the moment. Ava hasn’t had a seizure since she was discharged from the hospital. I think we are going on six months no seizure. We have a neurological appointment coming soon. Also, a developmental Pediatrician appointments coming up. Then After the summer I am going to make a dentist appointment.

While also taking myself to the doctor to find an antidepressant that might help me. As the world turns over and over. Life stops for no one.

Veronica Mars obessed

I did not watch this show when it was on TV. I got into this show the way I do many. The reruns caught my interest. It was hard over the years to find the streaming service that plays the show. A few years ago the movie came out and I watched it several times. I don’t know what attracts me to a blond white teenager that solves crimes.

There are certain shows I can watch them over and over and not get bored. Presently The Big Bang Theory and Mom is my favorite.

Well, Comcast has Veronica Mars TV show on demand. I have been watching for several weeks. Then I wanted to watch the movie. I searched, Comcast, Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime. They all wanted me to pay to rent the movie. I wanted to see it but jumping in my pocket for a movie I see four times was not on the agenda.

All this to say I was flipping the channel and guess what popped up on the POP channel. Veronica Mars the movie. I saved it on my DVR. I don’t know did I will the movie I search for online for about an hour to pop up on the T.V. Not sure but it is a nice surprise.

I don’t mind things going my way. I love how diverse the T.V. show is. Her best friend was a young black boy. Which was never the main point of there friendship or ever mentioned. Her father dated her friend’s mother. There were many things about the show that was groundbreaking. I also love the Latino guys riding the motorcycles.

I also liked that she was in the lower middle class of this town.  I guess I love watching the underdog succeed.

I was shocked!!

During Ava swimming lessons I noticed this guy with a special needs son. I didn’t know how to begin the conversation. What do you say? I saw your son is special needs like my daughter and I am impressed he can swim.

Well, the next week he comes up to me and says Hi (my name)!! I am thinking WTF you know me??

He said yes we went to college together. You were (a person I no longer talk to) friend. I did not remember this guy at all. He said she didn’t have many friends. I thought yes, and there are many reasons why that took me forever to learn.

Well, I didn’t even pay attention to Ava we talked for the entire 40 min. He has two autistic sons. I got his number and thought wow life is stranger than fiction. I have seen this dude four times being an attentive father. I was impressed with him and his son. Then I find out we went to college together.

He is a handsome guy. I don’t think he is interested in me at all. I feel it was hey I know you lets talk kind of situation.

One son talks the other is nonverbal. They are both excellent swimmers. He got them in all sorts of activities. I love it.

Autism Mom Luncheon

Ava Godmother went to Edaville amusement park with us. It was great I didn’t have to ride any of the rides. I hate amusement parks. She met several of the other Autism mom’s.

She suggested we used her house for a meet and greet. I have to say I was a little intimidated. One of my anxieties is giving an event. I freak out if I think things aren’t going right.

I took the bate, and I am giving an event for Autism moms. No kids allowed. It is for us to get to know each other. We all don’t know each other. A few are moms from Ava school. Then we have a few moms from my facebook group.

I bought the meet already from Bj’s. I have bottles of wine in my car. I have to buy a few more bottles.

I invited 9 and six responded quickly. Sounds like a good number to me. I hope it goes well. Mrs. V, Ava Godmother will be cooking rice and peas. Another mother wants to bring the salad. I bought big bags of chips.

Things are really coming together. Thank God I have Mrs. V to help me. I am not the party planning type. I am the show up with a store bought desert type.

This is way out of my comfort zone.

Additional Speech Therapy

We have been going to additional speech therapy on, the weekends. There have been less than six verbal imitations of any sounds. I try my best to not get discouraged. The first session we got two verbal imitations, and now we are down to one each session.

The speech therapist is leaning towards Ava needing a device to talk. I told her I am not at that point right now. I am praying with all my heart that my child will be able to speak to me. Even catch up with her peers.

She just turned 4 a month ago. I have beaten the odds in many areas of my life. I can’t let the faith go now when I really need it.

Ava skills are starting to emerge. Before she wouldn’t imitate anything. Now she has the sign more down pack. Also, I got her to touch her head when I said head and touched mine. I personally never been interested in early education, and now learning the basic of the progression of how children learn.

When I was down in the dumps, I was reading a Facebook post, and they stated there child had no words until they were five. Then I was in a mood again, and a woman left me a comment on my Youtube Channel. She was asking a question about Ava. Then I went to her channel, and she is from London Autistic and talked very late in life. She is in college now.

God has been giving me signs all over the place. There is nothing or no one which will have me give up on my child. Yes, I had to change my perspective of her accomplishments. Right now I can not count her out for any future achievements. I asked God for help nightly. I am working on my faith. Blind faith is the hardest things to obtain. I use to have it. I am working hard on getting it back.

A one from day one!!

I have several women in my life that are my A ones. They have shown me they would be there for me since the day I met them. They have stepped up and showed me the loved me as a friend.

So this weekend we were over Ava Godmothers house. I knew her since 1998. I met her at my first job out of college. We didn’t become friend quickly. The girl I hung at the job that I no longer talk to. Didn’t like her so I kept my distance. When I realized the girl I called my friend was coneving social climber Mrs. V and I became a lot closer.

She stayed in touch with me when I moved to Atlanta. She visited me several times over my years living there. She asked me to be Ava Godmothers. She always wanted a girl. Well, we were over there this weekend. I am planning an Autism mom event at her house. She had a beautiful house with a lot of space. Unlike the Boston domiciles.

Well, I was helping her install a portable air conditioner. I noticed Ava was walking funny. I knew what that meant. Shit explosion. My child did not disappoint. It was everywhere. Well, my A one was not upset and was totally helpful. I threw out the clothes. We had to put her in the tub and hose her off. My A one was right by my side. I had a big appreciation for her at that very moment.

True friendship is so hard to find. It doesn’t come easily. Anyone else I would have felt like crap because my child had this accident. The fact that I have a four-year-old that understands peeing on the potty on a schedule. She doesn’t request to go to the bathroom. Number #2 we are still working on.

My A one understands that my life is hard and I am doing the best I can. She is not my only A one. She just made me appreciate having her by my side.

Baby when stars align!!

I can not have another baby in my present situation. Kids are expensive and I am not living the lap of luxury. Now if the money came into my life. I would have an appointment ready for my first insemination. Then I could my own place and a nanny.

Ava having special needs it would take everything in me to have another baby. Now if I had a partner to take up the slack it could be possible. Granted there are a lot of partners that don’t help with the kids at all. My lack of dating doesn’t put that option at the front of the list.

Do I desire another baby yes? Do I desire the lack of sleep and all that goes into an infant? I would have to say no. Another little face to love. Hell yes, I wouldn’t mind that at all. Ava to have someone in life with her. I would sign up for a min if the stars aligned.

The money would bring a nanny I could trust (hopefully). I have a hard time trusting anyone. Right now Ava major meltdowns are dealt with by my mother. She is very spoiled. Her meltdowns start with being spoiled and clearly turn into something different. With the hitting herself and screaming and her whole body raging all over the place.

It hard to make her calm down at this point. My mother got it down pack. With her chanting what is wrong with nanny baby. Come with nana and lay with me. She gives her whatever she wants to get her to calm down. Even though I don’t want to give in. It sets a bad precedent. When she is to the extreme of her meltdown you have no other choice. Our tenants on the first floor go to bed about 8pm. These events of meltdowns usually happen after 9pm.

Even though the tenants are not my favorite people. We are trying to be respectful to others. Would I want to include another child in this? I think I could handle it with help. Whether that be family or paid help.

When I decided to be a single mother by choice. I had no money and an upside-down loan on a house. The stars aligned and now I have Ava. Now what I imagined but I prayed to be a mother and I am that.

We will see if the stars align again!!

Single Mom (special needs struggles)

Being a single mother by choice really defined my life. Having a special needs child took over my life. When looking at that little face I can’t imagine life without her. The struggle is real.

Since the diagnosis of Autism, everything is a fight. Even my sanity. I never had so many arguments in my life. Fighting for my child and her improvement has become my sole reason for living. Praying for her to progress is my nightly prayer.

Dating is something I want to do, but need to be realistic in that area. I need a man who wants to talk. Not just meet. I am not taking the time to meet everyone. I have to plan and coordinate to get out for a date.

The traffic I fight to and from work is ridiculous. I have no idea how I would do this without my mom. I don’t even want to imagine that possibility.

In my dreams, I would work part-time and drop off and pick up my own kid. Money makes the world work. A nanny would be a dream come true. Someone to attend to my children needs that I can trust when I am not around.

Well, my fantasies are so much better than my realities. #autismmom