Hit is off

So I met with that mother. We hit it off Thank God. We had so much to talk about. I really feel we can be each others support system. We feel the same about several areas. She also has knowledge of things that I would appreciate as I navigate this situation.

Ava has been sleeping through the night. If I could do a cartwheel I swear my big ass would be up in the air. I cut out anything with sugar after lunch. The doctors had no answers.

She goes in the fridge to get her fruit. That is natural sugar. I would hope that wouldn’t trigger. I am not willing to cut into a nights sleep to find out. We are sticking with the plan. All she gets to drink is water after dinner. Clearly food really affect her. She is extremely picky with food. I know what she will eat. I try and get her to try things. Sometimes she is willing other times it is a no go. She hands it right back to me. Basically saying no thank you don’t want it.

I fell into procrastination again. I have many projects to work on and my ass has done nothing but go to sleep. I need to work on my projects to create what I feel like success in my life. How can you have success if you never bring your ideas to reality.

I am still asking god to send me some money where I don’t have to worry about money. Then can spend a lot of time on my interest. That is a dream but you never know stranger shit has happened.

I asked a few of my friends and they don’t have hobbies. My life is all about hobbies. How much I spend time on them is another story. My brain doesn’t shut off. I am up to 800 subscribers on my Youtube channel. Trying to get my first 1000. Please pray for my baby and I TTYL!!!!

War Room

I am no religious. I don’t claim any religion. I don’t go to any place to worship. I did go to many places to worship during a period of my life. I been to a mosques, which to clear up the Farrakhan, black Muslim mosque in the Boston area. I been to Baptist, Presbyterian, Catholic, The church of Christ. I been to many more. Not on a search usually because I am a friendly person who will talk to anyone. I was invited to I went.

I was agnostic in my beginning years. I believe there was a god. I just felt he didn’t do shit for me. Like Santa Claus skipping my house on Christmas. I didn’t get a spiritual life until I was 22 and committed to a 12 step program. For a major addiction I had in my life. FOOD!!! There are several 12 step programs for food. I have been in a few. I will not name them because it is supposed to be anonymous. I lost a 100 pounds. With asking god to help me stop eating. The program I also stopped smoking asking god for help. It help me to realize there was something other than myself helping me through life.

I don’t care if you called him Christ, Jesus, Jehovah, Allah. I am more spiritual than religious. I have never really read the bible. I feel god has my back and I try to be a good person. Not a perfect person but a good person. I also feel prayer works. A lot of my prayers have been answered.

I was talking to a good friend and she was telling me about the movie War room. Ultimately it is about black people praying. That is a quick synopsis. It is really a B movie, but it had such a impact on me. I need a war room. Which is a prayer room. I have no space in this house for that. I am going to find a way to set it up. I have so many things I need to focus on in prayer. I have to remember god is listening. I don’t say that because someone told me, like a preacher. It because I seen the miracles happen in my life. I have real struggles and issues that I have found a way through prayer. Believe me I have many other things and people to pray for. I am just a beginner.

Preschool coming soon!!

Ava will be starting preschool the day she turns 3. I can’t believe I had this little person for almost 3 years. This shit is crazy. I remember living in Atlanta area crying my ass off, feeling like a failure. How the hell can I not have a man and no baby. WTF was god doing to me. Yes, I called my mother crying like a big ass baby.

God gave me a child who looks just like me. He gave me the baby that I desired. He didn’t give me a perfect baby. We have been on a roller coaster for over a year with Ava diagnosis. I am getting more comfortable and positive and I might share soon. The details of what has been going on this past year.

It was hard for me to accept. Even though acceptance did not stop me for doing everything necessary for the benefit of Ava success. I know that sounds strange, to not accept but be overboard with all that needs to be done. A therapist told me yesterday you are not one of the parents I worry about getting anything done.

I coming close to acceptance and living in the solution not the fears. Living in fear has been a big part of my life. The why me, pity  party, victim mentality. I fight those feelings all the time. Even fighting those feelings I do the next right thing. I had someone tell me a longtime ago give me great advice. Act as if you are strong until you are. Act as if things will be alright until they are. Act as if you love yourself until you do. So I practice acting as if and moving like my life is exactly they way I want it to be until it is.

The election 2016

I force myself to sleep that night. I couldn’t watch the election. Then I woke up at four in the morning and found out the Anti-Christ is running my country. Ava was in the bed with me and I hugged her tight.

I didn’t like Hillary Clinton. I voted for her because she was the only choice. Does that sound bad. Well it is bad. I feel the DNC is corrupt like the RNC. In different ways, different kinds of evil. Neither really benefiting me.

The difference is Donald trump pretty much declared war on all minorities which includes me. I don’t want to hear from any white person we are being dramatic. You know what, when a white person says that shit it holds no weight. They will never walk in the shoes of fear for themselves, family and children. That there child might be targeted at school. Told that there hair is too ethnic and countless other downgrading thing I have put up living in the united states.

Hillary was to cocky and thought it was her turn. She thought they voted a black man twice you know they will vote me in. Yes she won the popular vote. She didn’t win by a landslide. The country is divided straight in half. We are at war with each other. The Republicans gave an Obama a hard eight years. I am positive the next four will be harder for them. They can whine all they want to about it being unfair. There knew thing is we need to join and unite with Mr. Trump. That will never happen. Most minorities are against him, and as soon as those campaign promises go to shit the whites will be against him too.

This generation, this time in history will not be dealt with by bystanders. They are in the streets, they are fighting back. They are boycotting products that support him.

Why am I in this fight when I didn’t like Hillary. This a question I was asked by a white friend that I known since the sixth grade.

I told her she has the luxury to ignore this because she is white. I have a black child I have to protect. I will die for that protection. I don’t have the luxury to let hate consume my country. Not for four years but for her future. White privilege is so ingrained it is hard to put yourself in a minority shoes. Are all white people racist. No they are not. For the non-racist ones I have a question. I have been asked my whole life why black people do this? Why do black people do that? You non-racist white people. Tell me why more then half your race in the united states stood up for hate. Doesn’t feel good does it!!!!!!!!!!!

The Diet Doctor

I started a knew diet plan. Hopefully it will get me to where I want to be. LCHF, Low carb high fat diet. I know I could figure this out on my own. I don’t have the energy. I need someone to take me through like baby steps. I have joined http://www.dietdoctor.com. This handsome Swedish guy who is a doctor. He has a bunch of videos and much more. I am addicted to his voice.

Don’t judge me, my kids will be watching everything she wants on TV all day. So I can get through this entire program today. Yeah it sounds bad, but single mom life shit happens. I know she is supposedly not to watch to much TV. Well I hear that, but shit I need a minute to myself and other things need to go on.

One of the therapist with a young child agreed with me. She knows sometimes she needs a minute. My plan is to get this big body back to a size 8.

Not doing enough!!!

Ava isn’t progressing the way I want. She is progressing which is a positive. I know I have issues with patients. I want my baby to be completely OK over night. That is not going to happen. This is going to be a long hard process.

Thank god for the mother I met in a similar situation. She really boost me up in a way that no one else can understand. She speaks from the heart. Also of the mind of we are in the same boat.

Am I doing enough. I always want to think no. Ava plays with her tablet to much. I can’t get her to eat to many varieties of food. Also I am not that big of a cook. Her sleeping is all over the place. She is not in a daycare. Which is a blessing because I have trust issues. Also can’t afford it right now. She probably needs to be with more children her age. I feel really guilty about that. She will be in preschool in six months. Mother guilt is crazy!!!

Proved to Nana I am right!

Well I figured out Ava is very sensitive to sugar. It wakes her up in the middle of the night like she wants to go dancing. Well Nana aka my mother doesn’t want to follow my rules. She said she is fine and gave Ava her favorite Yogurt. Which is her calcium but has to much sugar in it for the evening. We had a little screaming match. She always give me an answer like I heard you but I am not doing a damn thing you say.

Ok, fine I yelled she wakes up up I am bringing her to you. You do that anyways she said. Which I do, but only when I have to work the next day. This was Friday night. Like clock work I heard little feet heading to my bed. What time was it you ask, 3AM. I brought her ass right to my mom’s room. Then went the hell back to bed.

By eight in the morning she dropped Ava back off to me. When I talked to her later, she said she won’t do that again. I thought I hope the fuck not.

Day 1 again!!

I schedule out my blog so this might be a little old to the actual date written. I am hoping by the time this post I will make some substantial difference in my weight. I reached a weight I couldn’t believe.

Today I started again. I have said this over and over, but I made it to the end of the day. I stayed below my calorie count. I even worked out to Hip Hop abs with my daughter. We are going to have to work out together.

She kept dragging out toys in the living room as I am bouncing around. I had to take a break to change a diaper. I re-winded the tape I didn’t cheat.I made it through the end of the night and I want to binge. I am sipping on a diet Ginger ale.  Eventually I will get rid of the sodas. For tonight this soda is preventing me from going to the kitchen to look for a snack.

I want to lose 50 by birthday, 80 pounds in total. That is my long term goal. Right now I am working on going to sleep with nothing extra to eat. Pray for me. Hopefully by the time you read this I will be down ten pounds. I want to see the scale going down instead of up.

Dating fail!!

I joined a dating site for single parents. I should have vetted this site more before putting down my credit card. The lack of time in my life I didn’t do enough research. Then I signed up for six months for a better deal like an idiot. One month should have been it. Every guy on there looks crazy. Some look like they are on drugs. I have never been on a site with so many undesirables in my life. That is including Plenty of Fish. I canceled immediately I would be totally rip shit if they renewed this shit ass site on me and I wasn’t paying attention. So I have to suck up the six months. I am going to try and give it a chance. I have a six months to so that.

I wanted a man with kids. So he can understand my plight. I am not the pickiest person but damn, who the hell are these dudes. I read the profiles like hell naw not me, can’t do it. I don’t care if my ass got to 300 pounds I couldn’t do it.

I might be harsh but I wish I could give you an example. You would see where I was coming from.

#livingthedream