Crazy dreams!!

I was listening to meditation while I sleep for weight loss. It has influenced me. I am not always wanting food. Not eating great, but the positive effects are great. With this has come crazy dreams.

I had a dream I was in a room of females that I always felt had an issue with me during life. We were all hanging out and about to go out. Then the queen bee that hated me throughout high school. (never said anything outright, but you know how you can feel the hate) Well, her mother offered to show her face cleanser and how it would be great for my skin. She left me with this machine and I find myself cleaning this machine to do something nice for the mother and I broke it. The mother asked me what happened with judgement like she wanted to beat my ass. I said I was trying to help, and she said that is not what happened. I woke up and recounted my dream so I would remember it.

So I analyzed my dream in the car to drop off Ava. First off, the environment and situation was crazy. It was the perfect setup of folks I felt didn’t like me and I felt judge me. This person mother I have met in the past and felt she wasn’t my biggest fan either. So I was in a situation where I felt less than and go into full people pleasing mode and try to clean this thing I ended up breaking. Which is how much I fail when trying to please others and worry about what others think.

This dream seemed so real I was happy when my alarm went off to get me out of that uncomfortable space. These days these dreams have been so crazy!!!

My Situation!!

I have a meeting with a therapist tonight. Lets pray he is the best therapist I have ever met. I am going to stay positive and optimistic. A family situation has worked out in the best possible way, and I have lifted big stress. Not sharing family business on the internet. The issue has had me lose sleep for years, and I appreciate taking something off my stress level.

I am about being the best mom I can be. My daughter autism was an enormous blow. I have accepted the diagnosis, but the reality of what goes into autism and the level where she is at is massive. The T.V. likes to portray the aspergers (High Functioning) view of autism. My daughter is not severe, she is moderate, but that moderate comes with its own bag of tricks. She has no words, and the level of taking care of herself is very low. Such as bathing herself or brushing her own teeth. I am not trying to complain. At least she allows me to brush her teeth. Some parents can’t get there kids to do that.

Dealing with the stress of our day-to-day life hasn’t been the best. I used food for stress and gained 100 pounds, which is obvious on my body. I finally found a therapist. This is my second therapist. I know therapy is a relationship and I am praying this new one works out. I am against drugs due to major side effects from the past. Talk therapy is my one decision.

On a good note, Ava is doing well. She is progressing, which is all I can ask for. We have gone through regression in the past. As of late, we are going in the right direction. She has done things such as repeat certain sounds that blew my mind. Which I am grateful.

Help Needed

Ok, I am back on the lookout for a therapist. During Covid19 this seems like an impossiable feet. I left five messages and one has got back to me saying they were not accepting new clients. This is a terrible time for many. I was talking to a friend who equally having issues with the new reality of life. On a positive note, good things are happening, but worries and fears seem to take over at times.

Ava is doing well, not sure what changed, but she has been doing things I prayed for and still shocked is happening. She is rounding the corner of potty training. I prayed to God to for her talk and be potty trained this year. She is finally repeating sound. I was waiting for five years for that to happen. We even think she is responding to us with sound. When I think she does it, I convince myself it didn’t happen. I asked the autism center, and they said it is very possible.

The guy is still there and we usually talk every day, but when I am feeling down like I am now, I am not in the mood to talk. I feel bad for not talking to him. I also feel bad for myself. I have to be selfish and get myself straight first.

Social Media crazy

I started doing homeschool video and posting them across social media. The positives therapist has reached out to me. They have given me resources and great suggestions. Well, I also get the comments that aren’t always the nicest. There are always two sides of the story.

I am not a teacher. I have no knowledge of early education. I am working on teaching myself. I know my baby is smart. I just need to figure out how to reach her.

She was sick last week. I was concerned she slept at the autism center for 3 hours. I called her doctor’s office. They said fatigue is a covid symptom. I took her to the doctor, and we did a covid test. They said they would call if she had Covid the next day. They called me freaked all the way out. I stopped the woman talking and yelled she has Covid???? She said no; it is negative. I said, Thank God. I apologized for being so harsh. She said she never had that reaction before. I told her the neurologist said Covid would not be good in Ava’s case with the seizures.

So she doesn’t have it Thank God. Since she is on this new seizure drug, I have to take her to get a blood test. I wish I did it this morning. I am trying to work around the snow storm coming. We have to be there tomorrow at 7am. I am not looking forward to this at all. The child already turned into the Hulk when doing the Covid test.

Praying my baby is all right in the long run. Still family drama that has me concerned. I am trying not to focus on anything negative in my brain. Staying positive will keep me sane. I don’t want to focus on something that might not happen at all.

I contacted Ava’s future school, and they have been discussing her placement. Everything looks wonderful. Thank God. I am excited for her to start. Can we take all the stress of my life away? Who ever reading this please pray for that. We would appreciate it.

Ava tongue

The autism center speech therapist left. I stopped taking Ava to an outside speech therapist because of COVID. I asked the autism center can one of the speech therapist at another autism center step in. They have included a speech therapist from the NJ autism center.

They stated she actually paid attention in the zoom meeting. I am in happily shocked. The speech therapist mentioned Ava’s tongue. I immediately emailed her doctor’s office for an appointment at Boston Children’s Hospital. She has had a prior appt with an Ears Noise and Throat person when she was 3.

I don’t want any physical reason to not be detected for her not talking. Now the dentist appt I want to move back. I know that is going to be a total shit show. I am not in the mood for the stress. She doesn’t eat sugar other than fruit snacks here and there. I think it can wait. This child has so many damn appt it is crazy. I digress I will go to the ends of the earth for that child.

We homeschooled yesterday, and she wasn’t having it. She was crying her ass off. We worked it out without her full attention. She was not in the mood. My moods, my mom’s moods, and Ava’s moods. Shit is crazy around here.

When I have a Good day!!!

I am always complaining about my bad days. Well, yesterday I had a great day. I ate within my food plan. I gave up something I know I am addicted to. Splenda, I read that it makes you want to eat sugar and flour. I wanted to transition. Drinking black coffee was not an option. I used sweet drops. I had it on the shelf for a year. I forced myself to use it. It took a day and now the switch has been made. I need to find another bottle and put it in the car. For my ice coffee.

Ava is doing amazing with potty training. When she has on underwear, we haven’t had accidents. Diapers is a whole different story. Hopefully, we can totally move from diapers. I homeschooled with Ava yesterday. I am not a homeschool mom. I feel the autism center doesn’t work on the education component that I want and feels she needs. ABA isn’t a school it behavior. Ava sat down, no tears. It shocked me. We got through the entire session with minimal frustration. I filmed it edited and put it on my social media. I got so much praise I was in shock.

I believe I am only going to post the positives. When Ava isn’t feeling it and a little distressed. No more or less than any child that doesn’t want to do something. She doesn’t have words, so frustration is not pretty. I got a lot of pushbacks from the autism mom. My feeling is Ava will not dictate everything in her life. When she goes to school, she will have to go with the flow of what is going on in class.

I also got on my treadmill for 20min. I am feeling accomplished and on the road to success. I need more good day than bad!!!

Binging is so easy!!

My weight loss life has been going on well over 30 years. Yes, I was fat at 8 years old. I was unhappy at home and food made me happy. Easy enough!!. I spent a lot of my life covering up my feeling with food. I am trying to reconnect those wires that start firing when it is time to binge.

I know when I am doing it. I see it coming way before food hits my mouth. How to stop that process. I been trying to figure out for a lifetime. All I got is try again and again. How do I get off this race that is never over. Never begins and always starts over again. Who the hell knows.

Mentally I know I have issues. Things I haven’t gotten over. Things I don’t want to talk about. Choices I made that I feel now that I should have went in a different direction.

All I can do is try, try again. Defeat is not an option. Getting myself together is my primary goal. I have a daughter I have to be here for.

Appreciate a good day!!

Yesterday was the best day. I ate keto without binging on flour or sugar. I got on my treadmill for 20 min. I did homeschool with Ava. I posted what we are working on with all my autism groups I am in. I am getting a lot of love on Facebook. The Uk autism group banned me due to Ava being distressed. She wasn’t bad. That is how she acts when she doesn’t want to do something. It is not an autism thing it is a kid thing. She has no words to protest, so it is usual whining and crying.

She did amazing. I don’t feel 20 min of homeschool is going to kill this child. I know people want the children to be willing. Neurotypical kids are not always willing. I don’t want to see my child unhappy. Sometimes it is required because she has to do what she is told. Life is full of rules and the goal is to get her to follow them. I don’t want her to go to school and be un teachable because she doesn’t feel like it.

As an autism parent, we all have our different views of how to handle our children. I will always respect a parent’s right to parent their own children. I know when I did, the IEP Boston Public School was impressed on the way I handled Ava. If I let the crying, flopping and other antics would make everything a shit show if I didn’t have some kind of handle on it.

The beauty of Ava is she is usual happy 90% of the time.

My boo thang and I have been talking every day. It is clear if there wasn’t a pandemic he would have already visited. Trying to stay safe, I enjoying the attention even though it is just the phone. Staying positive.

Binges and Starting over

This weekend I had a binge. We are talking Chinese food cookies and sugary cereal. What led up to that binge? I have to say no idea. I know I should have a reason. The only reason I have is, it feels right. When you have used bingeing as your default. To not binge is what feels wrong. Food is my cigarette, Food is my drug to get through life. To not eat is going against my natural response to life.

All that to say, I need to fight those urges. I am starting over again. Life is a series of decisions. When food comes to light, I make the wrong decision on a regular basis. Working every day to do better. Today is do a better day. How many more of these days rinse and repeat. How to get off the roller coaster. Shit, if there was an easy way, so many would already use it.

I haven’t found a new therapist. It is on my list of things to do this week. My daughter’s needs and realities of life have me on an up and down curve. Life is never even. The only thing is working for the benefit of my daughter never goes to the bottom of the list. It is always the number one priority.

Now working on myself mentally, physically and spiritually is usually always at the bottom of the list. I need to do better!!!

Schedule already off!!

Well, if you were watching the news. United States has been through a lot yesterday. The siege of the capital. Home school went down the drain for watching the news. Everything fell by the waste line. I went to get snap peas for Ava. Which she was enjoying as my mother and I watched the news and YouTube.

Today is my long day at work. I will start again tomorrow. I have been motivated lately and want that to stay. Ava hates homeschool so she could careless. Her sleep has been off, so I am tired beyond belief.

I watch the news and wonder how different the outcome would be if they were people of color. I am sick of hearing this is not who we are. It is clear that is bullshit.