When you meet a possible guy!!

I have been on the dating site lately. Not that I have any time to date. I meet a guy I had interest in. He was short and I was willing to let that go. He intrigued me. He is the father of a special needs child.

We had one conversation, It didn’t go that well. I was still keeping hope alive. He isn’t showing the appropriate interest. Such as calling or texting even though he has my phone number. I don’t chase dick. Sorry, not me. I need a man to show his action not just words. So a week past and he text me. He found me on facebook and we knew 13 of the same people. He asked me about a female on Facebook. He said they were good friends growing up. It turns out that was my cousin.

He asked me on a date. The time I could go he couldn’t. Then I haven’t heard from him in weeks. He said he, not a pressure. I don’t have time for that crap. If you know what you want you to make an effort.

Why is dating so difficult. I want someone interested in me with his shit together. I feel if I had more free time I could put in the effort for this dating thing.

 

Ava is five!!

Motherhood was a blessing I prayed for and cried my eyes out to be a part of my life. The struggles of motherhood I was not prepared for. I had an idea of what I was in for. Special needs parenting was a whole different story.

I feel very unequipped for all that goes along with it. I am winging it on most days. I remember when I was in a 12 step program for food. To do the next right thing. Sometimes I can only remain in the day and not focus on the future. The future brings on so much worry. It brings on a depression I cannot deal with and function in the world. Since I am now against depression medicine. Due to the many side effects, I experienced. I need to compartmentalize my life and deal with one day at a time.

My biggest gratitude I have is my mother. She is what keeps us going. She fills in when I am not available and working and in traffic. Ava is her only grandchild and they are best friends.

I am eternally grateful for my mother’s help. I don’t know what I would do without her. I don’t even want to imagine that day. Having a nonverbal child has brought challenges most people would never understand. I love that face that looks exactly like mine. The feeling I won’t be able to protect her terrifies me daily.

I would pimp myself out for a rich man that lives in a good school district. I say that and get a lot of laughs. I am only half kidding.

Only Autism Parents Understand

I am part of a group I had no plans to join. I am an Autism Mom. Since these kids are not interchangeable there a lot of different things that could mean. I have an autistic daughter who is interested due to the population being mostly boys. I have a nonverbal. Which is also a percentage of autistic that is nonverbal.

In the world of autism, there are things only parents in the same situation will ever understand.

My child spends a lot of time on her tablet. I know screen time blah, blah, blah. I let her do what she wants in her free time. I know that is awful, but I am a tired, always busy autism mom.

Between work and traffic and a child that like to wake up at 3-4am. I am beaten down by life. I need a break when we are home. She is content with her tablet. How the hell do people do this with multiple kids?

My mom let me take a 3-hour nap. Those three hours went so quick? I woke up and still was a tire. Yes, that is my life always functioning tired. I am trying my best to turn my social media into an income. I gained 5 Youtube followers in one day and started jumping for joy. I know pathetic, but it’s something.

Ava put her own straw in her juice box. This might seem like a little thing. Autism parents have to celebrate the little things. Her motor skills are not excellent. So the fact that she took the plastic off the straw and got the straw in amazed the hell at me. She is not perfect at it by any means. Shit sometimes I struggle to put the straw in the juice box. It’s a start. Autism parents understand!!!

Single Mother Dating Life

My dating life is nonexistent.  I have no interest in participating. I want something to be easy in my life. If dating were easy, I would be all over it. It has been a struggle my whole life.

Finding that connection with the right person. I always found someone who liked me more, and I felt as I was settling for various reasons. Or I love them more than they wanted me. Which always creates a big problem.

Then I had men over the years I kept around. I would call randomly over the years and talk about the past when we dated.

The guy I ran into at the supermarket. He moved out his Dad’s and got his own place. I am his Facebook friend. Even though I am attracted to him. He has things going on I can’t deal with at the moment.

It is also hard to meet anyone when I don’t feel attractive. I flirt when I am feeling myself. I haven’t had those feeling in several years. I want a man to want me the way I am? The problem is I don’t like the way I am.

Something got to give!!!

Life Progressions

My life has been through many stages. When I was small, I was taken care of but not a priority in my family. The success I have achieved in my life is due to a grandmother’s love. My grandmother was a smart, hard working woman. She worked several jobs and owned several homes.

If I could be half the woman she was, I couldn’t ask r much more. I get my work ethic from her. Also how cheap I am with money. I am not as successful as financial as my grandmother. I wish she were alive. I would have loved for her to meet Ava. She was amazing with kids. She could get Ava straight with a lot of things I feel I am lacking.

I was a fat child. I had a lot of stress and anxiety that made me eat. I started gaining weight when I was eight. I really felt unloved by my parents. As an adult, I know they love me. As a child, I didn’t feel that love.

I was molested by a family member when I was 13. Then my life really went downhill emotionally. I always did well in school. That was my own claim to fame. While ignoring and not having a lot of parental oversight. I did a lot of dangerous things that I am not proud of. I never got into drugs. I have seen how drugs took people down, and that isn’t where I want to be.

Food is a drug I was kneed deep in my food addiction.  I tried weight watchers and gained weight. I was at my heaviest when I graduated from college. 280 pounds with a shape that made me look 9 months pregnant.

I graduated and finally joined a 12 step program for food. It took a year of trying, but I finally started taking it seriously and lost 100 pounds in eight months. I felt like a new woman. I had confidence in full supply.

Before the weight loss, I was scared to do anything on my own. After the weight loss, I moved to Atlanta and didn’t look back for 14 years.

Atlanta life was crazy. I worked, but I went out all the time. I was thin, and no one knew me. I was living life, with no restrictions. I dated and still didn’t figure out the relationship thing.

Once my neighbor told me she wanted to have a baby by herself. I wasn’t on board immediately. Once we went to the first single mother by choice meeting, and I heard the ages of these women, that is when I was ready.

Then when I took the fertility test and failed. Once I thought I would never have a baby, that is all I wanted. Now I have my baby and GOD through me another curb ball. I have a special needs child.

None of my life I could have predicted. Some are a lot better than others. I know I have to appreciate every moment of my life. I have a friend whose life was cut short this year, shows me with the ups and down I need to enjoy every moment.

I use to play the SIMS

I was single with no kids for a large chunk of my life. Which lead to me having a lot of hobbies. I use to play the sims. I am not a gamer per se. I loved the Sims. Then the Sims 4 came out, and I didn’t like it.

I think I gave birth to my child. That is when all of my disposable time has vanished. I have been watching SIMS 4 videos recently. Now I want to get back into it. I have to be realistic. I have no time for anything at the moment. Especially leisure things like playing a video game.

I feel rich people don’t appreciate being rich. When you don’t have to worry about money. When you can focus on your own personal interest. If money was no object in my life, I feel my plate would still be full. Full with things that would make me feel alive.

I am going to try and not got to sleep right after Ava. I am tired, and it is difficult. My Instagram is poppin. My Youtube is stagnant. I haven’t worked on the marketing of my book. I have been stressed out by other things.

I have been trying to grow my social media presence. I would love to do this fulltime. It would give me free time to do all the other things I would like to do. I have not cracked that nut of how this shit works. How do I get my audience up? Even though this blog isn’t poppin, I can’t leave it. I have been writing about my life for several years. I love the people who comment and has been rocking with me for countless years. Your comments are what keeps me going with making sure I don’t let this blog go dead.

Thank you to all that read even with the grammatical errors.

Kodi Lee (Americas Got Talent)

I first watch this video on Facebook. Now I am Kodi Lee’s biggest fan.  When his mother started to explain her child. I saw the mother willing to do anything. He is blind and autistic and a savant.

The savant thing bothers me on certain levels. That is when people ask what your child’s most exceptional talent is. Does Ava have any savant gifts? At this moment I have no idea. The answer can very quickly be no.  That doesn’t make her a smart, beautiful little girl. I really believe Ava is smart. Day by day, I feel she knows more than any of us know.

When his mother said, he was an entertainer. I could tell this woman did everything to make that dream happen. These children need a family on there side for success. Also, every accomplishment is celebrated, no matter how small.

I went out with the autism mom last night. One stated why does everything have to be so hard. I agree Ava’s needs is the hardest and most challenging part of my life. I live this life one day at a time. That is all I can take and deal with it. I don’t believe I am coping that well, especially looking at my weight. I am doing the best I can do. Will my child be on a stage doing something amazing. Probably not. I still watched the video twenty times and cried several times.

 

Why Autistic Success Stories are Important!!

When the doctor looks you in the face and tells your child is autistic you life changes at that moment. Regardless of where they are on the spectrum your life changes. I have been told I am the right person to have an autistic child. I call bullshit. I don’t feel like the right person. I feel like a mom willing to do anything for my child.

I have no idea what Ava future is going to be. The success stories are what keeps me motivated. It is what keeps me going.

 

Now Ava has a speech device. It was approved with the insurance. I get notes home with her doing these great things with this device. These success stories give me hopes that one day I will be able to talk to my daughter.

When I was pregnant or dreaming about being a mother. I would never have imagined any of the challenges that motherhood to an autistic child brought me. Sometimes I really need a lifeline.

Ava is worth it!!

I started fighting the system. It has been going on for months now. There is an organization which I am not going to name right now that discriminates against disabled children. They give this bullshit line, disabled does not donate a rejection, but they have never transported a special need child on a special needs bus in 40 years.

Now I understand why fighting the system is so difficult. They don’t make it easy and everyone is in cover your ass mode. I started with public records. With this climate of political unrest, I have learned a lot. They have to answer your public information request in a timely fashion.

I didn’t complain that my kid didn’t get in. I had only put in the application. I wanted to fight for all the other kids and mine. Well, the public information request leads to the Department of Education. They told me to file a complaint. Which I assumed was going to give me answers to my questions.

Truth be told I just wanted the backup to sue their asses. I learned that it isn’t how things work unless you have a lot of money to do such things. While I was working the process through the state, I was trying to find a lawyer for free99. Finding a lawyer was harder then I could imagine. I got one lawyer out of the 30 I called that might be interested in the case. She wanted to see the report from the state before she would make that determination.

At first, I was lead to believe they were going to side with me. Then I learned they were not on my side. I went nuclear. I wanted the damn report. It had been over 100 days and no report. I started making calls. I then realized how many departments use a smokescreen. I called Massachusetts Governer Bakers office three times. Which was a total waste? Then I called our senators. Then I reached my local senators. I also started to call the supervisors in various departments.

I would learn which departments were over other departments. I started learning the names of who ran these departments. That’s when I began to call for information help and the report. I started to name drop. I demanded to speak to the person in charge.

Well, 152 days later I finally got the report. Literally, they copied and pasted what I said the organization response and two lines that they didn’t agree with me. I was pissed, to say the least.

I went back to public records and demanded answers to my questions. They got back to me and that where we are at the moment. I waiting to see if I have a lawyer, and I have several departments that are supposed to get back to me. Please pray for justice. I am really losing steam in this process.

Developmentally not five!!

Ava will be five in a few days. I swear to look at her is looking into the mirror. We look so much alike. I love that she looked like me. I prayed for her to look like me. Five years went by so quickly.

I can’t say I hadn’t pictured what it would be like to have a little me around. I thought she would be talking me to death. I thought she would be hilarious and had me laughing all the time.

Ava is not talking me to death. She isn’t doing anything I dreamed about. She is not developmentally 5 years old. I believe she is a few years behind. Will she catch up, I hope so.

My life has been so unpredictable. I swore when I was in high school fat and feeling less than my peers. I would have never imagined any of the events of my life. Life is stranger than fiction.

My baby has been making progress. Not fast pace, not what I hoped for. Progress none the less. God has humbled me in so many ways. Ava diagnosis has shown me what I am made of.

Granted not always the mom I want to be. I can be jealous of what others do not have to deal with. Jealous of not having a husband. Jealous of not having a regular sex life. Jealous of not living my dreams. Jealous of finding myself so late in life. Jealous of people who do not have my worries.

I try every day to be the mom I feel Ava deserves.